Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (55 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
I never though I'd "meet" someone from foot.ie on here or vice versa.I stumbled upon it.
Just in case you don't know of stumble upon, http://www.stumbleupon.com/
letter to god
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £50 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers...
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £45, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £5 missing. I think it was those bastard s at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £50 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers...
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £45, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £5 missing. I think it was those bastard s at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Bin Laden and Pres. George W. Bush agree to meet up in Afghanistan for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Bin Laden's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers but they continue talking.
A few minutes later he presses the second button. Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Bin Laden. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"
After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers but they continue talking.
A few minutes later he presses the second button. Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Bin Laden. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
"Methodist," the man says.
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
"Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"
"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
"Methodist," the man says.
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
"Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"
"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
Two guys are sitting at the bar.
One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike's dead."
"Whoa! What happened to him?"
"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go! That's terrible."
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"What a horrible death!"
"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in all that water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don't mix and so he's lying there with the juice running through him and can't get away from it."
"What an ugly way to die!"
"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."
"Hold on now...just how the hell DID he die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"Well, he was wrecking my house."
One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike's dead."
"Whoa! What happened to him?"
"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go! That's terrible."
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"What a horrible death!"
"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in all that water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don't mix and so he's lying there with the juice running through him and can't get away from it."
"What an ugly way to die!"
"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."
"Hold on now...just how the hell DID he die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"Well, he was wrecking my house."
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'
"Where Are You From?"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks,
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks,
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
The Bastard
Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favorite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called ?Death?. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of 50$.
However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page. Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in HORROR.
There, in bold print, was MSRP 7.99$
Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favorite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called ?Death?. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of 50$.
However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page. Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in HORROR.
There, in bold print, was MSRP 7.99$
