Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (8 Viewers)

[chester]

Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A. The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

Q. What is the new O.J. web site address?
A. slash.slash.backslash.escape

Q. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A. They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megasorass

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One..Men will screw anything.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other
is used to carry groceries.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Q. What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Q. How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose
your house.

Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A. Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a whorehouse and a circus?
A. One is a cunning array of stunts......

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is the Human Race doomed through stupidity?
===========================================
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us
that we are:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERA-
TURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[ReBeL]

When the Software industry had badly gone down hill, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Vista respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly.

Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".

They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Vista. To his surprise it was so good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.

Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:

A PATCH IS BEING RELEASED SOON!

 

[JCK]

That's exactly why we use Linux.

 

[Salvatore]

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these is absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

 

[Martin]

 

[Azzurri7]

The Advantage of Being an ARAB



An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

One day, he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his

garden,

But he knew he was alone and too old and weak.

His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail

explaining the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden.

I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the

garden for me.

I love you, your father."

The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden

'the THING.'

I love you, too, Ahmed."

At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the

whole garden apart,

Searching every inch. But they couldn't find

Anything.


Disappointed, they left the house.

The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:

"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your

potatoes.

That is all I could do for you from here. You're loving son, Ahmed".

 

[Martin]

A funny joke for once, thank you

 

[Snoop]

good one I heard it before thou

 

[Azzurri7]

you had to ruin it ehh?

 

[Alen]

A very very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. The shop owner asks her:
-Are they twins?
Puzzled the woman replies:
-No are you stupid? one is 3 years and the other is 10 years old. Why do you ask?
The man replies:
- No particular reason; I just can't believe someone fucked you twice !

 

[Martin]

Back to the pathetic standards of this thread we are.

Goes to show no good deed goes unpunished, I had the highest hopes for this thread.

 

[Alen]

Back to the pathetic standards of this thread we are.

Goes to show no good deed goes unpunished, I had the highest hopes for this thread.

Sorry, i'll try with a more civilized one.

Before the wedding :
He: Yes, Yes, Yes
She: Do you want me to leave ?
He: No, i don't and i never did
She: Do you still love me ?
He: Of course
She: Did you ever cheat on me ?
He: No, why do you ask ?
She: Do you want to kiss me ?
He: Sure i do
She: Do you want to hit me ?
He: No, of course not
She: Can i trust you ?

To know how it sounds after the wedding, read it from the bottom to the top

 

[Sarah]

@ Rab. That was a pretty good one.

 

[chester]

Exam answers
============
These are allegedly ACTUAL answers from recent State exams in England and
Wales....amazingly not Ireland!

English

Define the word "monotony."
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the in-
testines.

Technology

What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

History

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's column.

Religious Instruction

Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.

What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.

Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed.
Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord's.

Geography

Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fit-
ting them with catalytic converters.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Biology

What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdomi-
nal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the out-
sides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the
meat onto.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.

What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and
eight cuspidors.

Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.

Medical

What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a
road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.

What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.

What should you do with someone you have found unconscious
in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspira-
tion.

How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand in-
stead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.

How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.

What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.

Psychology

What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.

Botany

What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.

Give an example of a fungus & What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.

Physics

What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.

What is a vacuum.
A large empty space where the pope lives.

What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat

 

[chester]

Q&A II
======
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. You fill it with gas.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

 

[SoulSiick]

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked
by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers

rave New Yorker saves the life of little girl

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker

The policeman answers: "Oh, then it will say in newspapers

in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl

"But I am not an American!" - says the man

"Oh, what are you then
The man says: "I am from Iran

The next day the newspapers says

"Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog

 

[Sadomin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVURfhkVv6E

 

[K0STA]

Source: http://www.channel4.com/sport/football_italia/blogs/sc6.html

Everybody hates Inter

It is inevitable the club with the power will be the magnet for dislike, but Susy Campanale argues Inter are bringing this universal scorn upon themselves

I recently met with some London-based Italian football fans and it turned into something of a target practice session as everyone ploughed into the lone Inter supporter. He took it with good grace and I apologised to him afterwards, for it really is not the fault of the tifosi.

The Nerazzurri will inevitably draw criticism and dislike because – like Juventus pre-Calciopoli – they are victorious, powerful and therefore dull. Yet the club is doing everything possible to make that dislike turn into vitriolic Schadenfreude-style hatred by being the world’s worst winners.


It all began with Calciopoli, when Serie A’s lovable buffoons were handed the 2006 title by default. Rather than conceding it was a meaningless token gesture, they had the gall to celebrate it and state this was the “Scudetto of honesty and justice.”


When they finally did manage to dominate the season with all their major rivals hampered by points penalties or demotion, good grace was far too much to ask. Roberto Mancini, Massimo Moratti and several players publicly announced they hoped Milan would lose the Champions League Final to Liverpool, because otherwise that would spoil their own Scudetto party.


In the words of Steve Martin: “Well excuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeeee!!!” Only a club as small-minded and petty as Inter could put this sort of sibling rivalry above the interests of Italian football as a whole. Considering the make-up of their squad it wouldn’t surprise me if at the World Cup they had been cheering on Argentina rather than the Azzurri.


Six months on and the lesson has not been learned. Mancini scoffed at the Club World Cup as “nothing more than a friendly tournament” and admitted he would not be supporting Milan or Boca Juniors in the Final. Even if everyone at the club secretly hoped for a Milan defeat, the official representatives are not supposed to come out and say it!


It’s a sad day when you need to take advice on sportsmanship and fair play from Silvio Berlusconi, but that’s exactly what happened. “If Inter were challenging for an international trophy and representing Italian football, we would be cheering them on.” Not that it’s likely to happen, but still, it was a nice gesture from Berlusca.


So I apologise to that Inter fan, but no matter how many trophies, records and star players your side manages to notch up, you will have the rest of Italy willing with all their heart and soul for your absolute humiliation. Nothing personal.

Nice blog post

 

[Lion]

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked
by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers

rave New Yorker saves the life of little girl

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker

The policeman answers: "Oh, then it will say in newspapers

in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl

"But I am not an American!" - says the man

"Oh, what are you then
The man says: "I am from Iran

The next day the newspapers says

"Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog

 

[Zé Tahir]

Source: http://www.channel4.com/sport/football_italia/blogs/sc6.html

Everybody hates Inter

It is inevitable the club with the power will be the magnet for dislike, but Susy Campanale argues Inter are bringing this universal scorn upon themselves

I recently met with some London-based Italian football fans and it turned into something of a target practice session as everyone ploughed into the lone Inter supporter. He took it with good grace and I apologised to him afterwards, for it really is not the fault of the tifosi.

The Nerazzurri will inevitably draw criticism and dislike because – like Juventus pre-Calciopoli – they are victorious, powerful and therefore dull. Yet the club is doing everything possible to make that dislike turn into vitriolic Schadenfreude-style hatred by being the world’s worst winners.


It all began with Calciopoli, when Serie A’s lovable buffoons were handed the 2006 title by default. Rather than conceding it was a meaningless token gesture, they had the gall to celebrate it and state this was the “Scudetto of honesty and justice.”


When they finally did manage to dominate the season with all their major rivals hampered by points penalties or demotion, good grace was far too much to ask. Roberto Mancini, Massimo Moratti and several players publicly announced they hoped Milan would lose the Champions League Final to Liverpool, because otherwise that would spoil their own Scudetto party.


In the words of Steve Martin: “Well excuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeeee!!!” Only a club as small-minded and petty as Inter could put this sort of sibling rivalry above the interests of Italian football as a whole. Considering the make-up of their squad it wouldn’t surprise me if at the World Cup they had been cheering on Argentina rather than the Azzurri.


Six months on and the lesson has not been learned. Mancini scoffed at the Club World Cup as “nothing more than a friendly tournament” and admitted he would not be supporting Milan or Boca Juniors in the Final. Even if everyone at the club secretly hoped for a Milan defeat, the official representatives are not supposed to come out and say it!


It’s a sad day when you need to take advice on sportsmanship and fair play from Silvio Berlusconi, but that’s exactly what happened. “If Inter were challenging for an international trophy and representing Italian football, we would be cheering them on.” Not that it’s likely to happen, but still, it was a nice gesture from Berlusca.


So I apologise to that Inter fan, but no matter how many trophies, records and star players your side manages to notch up, you will have the rest of Italy willing with all their heart and soul for your absolute humiliation. Nothing personal.

Nice blog post

Good shit.