Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Hey, at last, a joke I can post here!!!!!!!!!!Several cannibals were recently hired by the FBI. _"You are all part of
> our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
> the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,
> but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
> Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
> I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
> Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
> heads NO.
> After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
> "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to
> which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks
> we've
> been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to
> go
> and eat the secretary!"
> our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
> the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,
> but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
> Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
> I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
> Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
> heads NO.
> After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
> "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to
> which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks
> we've
> been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to
> go
> and eat the secretary!"
And another joke that I can post here!!!
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new
BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses
and
YSL tie, leans out of the window and says to the shepherd:
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give
me
one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his
peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his
mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web
site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas
and
after a few minutes he prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech,
miniaturised printer.
Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586
sheep."
"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into
his
car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your
business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"That's easy," says the shepherd, "You're a consultant."
"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess
that?"
"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid
to
give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't
even know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new
BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses
and
YSL tie, leans out of the window and says to the shepherd:
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give
me
one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his
peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his
mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web
site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas
and
after a few minutes he prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech,
miniaturised printer.
Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586
sheep."
"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into
his
car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your
business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"That's easy," says the shepherd, "You're a consultant."
"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess
that?"
"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid
to
give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't
even know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."
:LOL: that one was great Susan :LOL:
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the
whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed
the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would
be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay
down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest & meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy
from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that
were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt
sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this
dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the
cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But,
when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There
was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman
and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best
plastic surgeons working for five years to make this alligator look
like a Dachshund."
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the
whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed
the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would
be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay
down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest & meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy
from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that
were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt
sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this
dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the
cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled
and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But,
when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There
was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman
and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best
plastic surgeons working for five years to make this alligator look
like a Dachshund."
An Italian man walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Here you have a great chance to get to know about yourself like your character etc. without spending any money.
Here it is.....
Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle.You pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table.In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it.
There are:a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e.Orange
Which fruit will u choose? Your choice reveals a certian reality about you for sure!
Test results : Please SCROLL DOWN
Here are the results...
a. if you've chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat apple
b. " " " " banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat banana
c. " " " " strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to eat strawberry
d. " " " " peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat peach
e. " " " " orange: that means you are a person who loves to eat orange
Note: I bet u r hunting for me to Kick me.....well...I am still hunting for the person who sent me this...!
Here it is.....
Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle.You pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table.In the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in it.
There are:a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e.Orange
Which fruit will u choose? Your choice reveals a certian reality about you for sure!
Test results : Please SCROLL DOWN
Here are the results...
a. if you've chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat apple
b. " " " " banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat banana
c. " " " " strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to eat strawberry
d. " " " " peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat peach
e. " " " " orange: that means you are a person who loves to eat orange
Note: I bet u r hunting for me to Kick me.....well...I am still hunting for the person who sent me this...!
