Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (22 Viewers)

[Martin]

The joke thread is back! :LOL:

An evil curse

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Martin]

Penalty for Perjury

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

 

[Bongiovi]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> >> > > >Day number 182
> >> > >
> >> > > >8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >>
> >> > >
> >> > > >10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
> >> > >
> >> > > >4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY
>FAVORITE!
> >>
> >> > >
> >> > > >5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
> >> > >
> >> > > >
> >> > >
> >> > > >EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
> >
> >DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with
> >>bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on
>fresh
> >>meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
>that
> >>keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
>satisfaction I get
> >>from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
>may
> >>eat another houseplant.
> >
> >DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors
> >>by weaving around their feet while they were walking
>almost
> >>succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
>attempt to
> >>disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
>induced myself to
> >>vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their
>bed.
> >
> >
> >DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them
> >>the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
>am
> >>capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
> >>They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
>cat I
> >>was...Hmmm.
> >
> >Not working according to plan.
> >
> >
> >DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
> >reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
> >included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
> >
> >What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My
> >>only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
>my
> >>teeth.
> >
> >DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of
> >>their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
>event.
> >>However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of
>the glass
> >>tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that
>my
> >>confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn
>what
> >>this is and how to use it to my advantage.
> >>
> >DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
> >>flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released
>and
> >>seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
>half-wit. The bird
> >>on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks
>with them
> >>regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
>his current
> >>placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
> >>
> >But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..

 

[Bongiovi]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
> cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial.
> The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of
> the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
> fruits.
>
> The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The
> king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up
your
> butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
>
> The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so
> he was killed.
>
> The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
> explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
> 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
> laughter and was killed.
>
> The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why
> did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
> couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

[*aca*]

There was a guy with a dog that was crying all the time outside Olimpico in Rome...

ooops

You all know that one

 

[Martin]

:LOL:

 

[Martin]

Things that pi$$ me off! Warning: Strong language.

From www.lotsofjokes.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*ck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No d*ck nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the f*cking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know a$$hole, you f*cking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What? Are they going to f*cking do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's a goddamn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here a$$hole!

 

[Dj Juve]

jeezzz.. what's that guys problem :groan:

 

[Bongiovi]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule
of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and
South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy
after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because
the American woman will not shut up and complains
relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism,
what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household chores, how sand and palm
trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected
her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how
her relationship with her mother is the root causeof all
her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell
phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued
off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of
****ing nowhere so she can get her nails done and go
shopping...

 

[Martin]

Is anyone actually reading this thread? This is funny stuff...

 

[Dj Juve]

urs sux, bongiovi's nice

 

[Sivori]

i love the cat bit, and the bit about the angry guy!!
it sounds like a great standup bit!! something maybe richard pryor would do!!

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

GOLD!! Pure Gold!!!

 

[Sivori]

A bear and a Rabbit are having a shit out in the woods.

Suddenly the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him:
"Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

the rabbit says: "no"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

[Martin]

Typical Rangers fan

Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian bastard murders family pet

:LOL::LOL::LOL:

 

[Bongiovi]

>
> WOMEN'S ADS IN THE PERSONAL COLUMNS - THE TRUE MEANING!
>
> 40-ish...........................49
> Adventurous................. Slept with all your mates
> Athletic......................... No tits
> Beautiful........................ Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile........... Does a lot of pills
> Educated....................... Was shagged to bits at Uni'
> Emotionally Secure........ On medication
> Feminist......................... Fat
> Free spirit...................... Junkie
> Friendship first............... Former ****
> Fun............................... Annoying
> Gentle........................... Dull
> Good Listener............... Autistic
> New-Age...................... Body hair problems
> Old-fashioned................ No BJs or anal
> Open-minded................. Desperate
> Outgoing........................ Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate...................... Sloppy drunk
> Poet............................... Depressive
> Professional............... .. *****
> Romantic....................... Frigid
> Social............................ Fanny like a clowns pocket
> Voluptuous.................... Very Fat
> Large lady..................... Hugely Fat
> Wants Soulmate............. Stalker
> Widow........................... Murderer
>

 

[Martin]

The timeless art of seduction... :LOL:

 

[Martin]

The Kramer

 

[Dj Juve]

martin, u watch too much seinfeld

 

[Martin]

Yet I can't look away..

 

[Dj Juve]

dont blame ya.....'TV Guide' voted it the best ever TV show