Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree. 2. Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls. 3. Height of Innocence: A teenage girl applying pimplex on her nipples. 4. Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute. 5. Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. 6. Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall. 7. Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw. 8. Height of Technology: Condom with a zip. ....and the very best of the best height of all emotions is... 9. Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his butt is itching.....
The daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cussed her out: " Where have you been all this time,
you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how
you were doing? Why didn't you call? you little tramp! Don't you know
what you put your Mom through??!!"
The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and
title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my
little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new
BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country
Club... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my
new yacht in the Riviera, and ...
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" ... Sniff, sniff
.. "Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant".
"Come here and give your old man a hug!"
return, her father cussed her out: " Where have you been all this time,
you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how
you were doing? Why didn't you call? you little tramp! Don't you know
what you put your Mom through??!!"
The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and
title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my
little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new
BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country
Club... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my
new yacht in the Riviera, and ...
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" ... Sniff, sniff
.. "Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant".
"Come here and give your old man a hug!"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, "What's under there?" So the man answers, "A bird."
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?" The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs.
The little girl says, "What's under there?" So the man answers, "A bird."
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?" The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in lif e - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in lif e - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
