Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)

[rounder]

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" Said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" Asked the priest again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" Asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" Asked the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" Sighed the priest.

______________________________

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" He says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
______________________

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,” You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Chxta]

Cars in Nigeria now zoom the streets with stickers associated with the class the car belongs to.



On most jeeps, you see the sticker: "the Lord has lifted me up"



On S class, E-class, C-class, Honda & other cars in that category, you see the sticker: "I am the apple of God's eyes".



On cars like 504 & other 'tokunbos', you'll notice the sticker: "Touch not my anointed".



On cars like the good old Beetle & Panel Vans, you'll see the sticker: "Let the weak say I am strong".



Those that can't pass MOT or any other road worthiness test. These cars are simply moving coffins --- they have no brand name & no trace of manufacturers or country of origin. They are more liable to fall apart any moment. (You may need to hold the door with your hand or with a piece of string).

Guess what sticker u see on these ones? "Relax, God is in control”

 

[rounder]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great; I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

:rofl2: that last one was great!

 

[Chxta]

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

:rofl2:

 

[Chxta]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you"

 

[Chxta]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!

 

[Kosta]

Good one , Chxta

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

 

[V]

Indeed great Chxt, a nice finish I might add; "to rest my canon on"

 

[adelove]

Sipho gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.

"So what do I do first?"

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed."

5 minutes later Sipho's on the phone again. "She's naked and in bed, what do I do now?"

His father can't believe what he is hearing, "Take your d*mn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes poor Sipho is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running thin so he says,

"Sh$t son, do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!"

Just when the old man starts snoring, His son is on the phone once again.

"Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next?"

"DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"

 

[The Arif]

Indeed great Chxt, a nice finish I might add; "to rest my canon on"

If only Ahmedios was here.

 

[Cuti]

*God Takes a Vacation *
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.

"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's
nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that
hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down
to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went
there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking
about it!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Bush Talking*
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

......................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

........................................................................



Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

......................................................................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

......................................................................



Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

......................................................................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

......................................................................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

......................................................................



One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

......................................................................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

......................................................................



Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

......................................................................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

......................................................................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

......................................................................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

......................................................................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

......................................................................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

......................................................................



"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

......................................................................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

......................................................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

......................................................................



The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


......................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

A West Virginia University fan is drinking in a North Carolina bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical West Virginia Mountaineer baby boy weighing 25 pounds .

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the WVU fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical West Virginia Mountaineer baby boy Gonna be an WVU football player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Mountaineer baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers! "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The West Virginia father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."






Word!

 

[ReBeL]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, " Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game'sover!"

 

[ReBeL]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend... So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend... So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

:rofl2:

 

[rounder]

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba.”

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two butt holes."

"What? He had two butt holes?” said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two butt holes..."
--------------------------------

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

 

[chester]

You know you've had too much of the 90's when...
================================================
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask
"Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give
me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Ameri-
ca, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this
year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider Royal Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it
notes.
10.You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
12.When you make phonecalls from home, you accidentally insert a
"9" to get anoutside line.
13.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
14.Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15.Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
16.You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17.You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
18 Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your
best jokes.
19.Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20.Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to
get long-service awards.
21.Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
22.It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23.You know exactly how many days you've got left until you re-
tire.
24.Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or ex-
perience, terminate the interview when told of the starting
salary.
25.You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a
visitor.
26.Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27.The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art
laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for
lunch while yours powers up.
28.Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29 You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30 There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff
your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31.Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes
... Could you fit this in...?...in your spare time...when
you're freed up I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity
for you
32.Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
33.Every week another brown collection envelope comes round be-
cause someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34.You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving'
collection.
35.Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".
36.The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pic-
tures are on your desk.
37.You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38.You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39.As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40.It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this
list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward
it anyway.

 

[K0STA]

Dis any of you see MORATTI's face right after referee blew final whistle on Inter-Udinese match ??? Priceless!!!