Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
:rofl2: that was awesome!!!
Sport quotes
Yugoslav commentators
What a great save by our goalkeeper!
After 20 sec : Why are the German players so happy? Hmm, it seems that the goalkeeper didn't save that ball. It's a goal
-----------
Broadcast from Turkey: Look at the people on the stadium. Only the police dogs don't have mustache
-----------
While the ball is in the air, let me tell you the starting line ups
----------
Zoran Savic won't play today. He had a little family problem. His mother died
----------
You can recognize the Yugoslavian boxing champion by his white shorts and his opponent, Keniyan guy Motungua , by his black shorts
---------
This is little Swedish high jumper Kelly Eriksson. She is here with her mum Maria. Mummy Maria is always with Kelly. And this strong guy you see is John Godina. He doesn't need his mummy here
---------
This ball presents a greater danger to the planes than to Partizan's goal
---------
This is something that i can't translate : (za Salke 04 igra Marko Kurz):
"Lopta do Kurca."
---------
After danish referee Pedersen made a mistake : Pedersen, you really deserve this surname (Peder means faggot, Pedersen=faggotsen)
---------
" 90 minutes have passed and here is the 4th referee. Looks like substitute with number 3 will join the game.......player called Minutes"
---------
Now you can see Emanuelle Filippini with the ball...and interesting, on the bench there's another Filippini. And you won't believe me they were born on exactly the same day!..no, wait... they're actually twins.
Polish commentators :
You've got to choose, beauty or weight lifting... Zhanna Pintusevich-Block has chosen the second option
---------
Now everything is in the hands of the horse
---------
As you can see, you cannot see anything in this fog
--------
Yesssss !!! The German lost her head
---------
Bulgarian female reporter :
Bulgarian team in third division plays a Sunday match so the local correspondent of the National Radio was just calling off air to tell the score at the half time and at the end. It was her first match and she reported 2:0 for the home team at half time. After the match she reported 2:1 FT.
- Are you sure? - said the guy from the studio.
- 100% sure!
- But your colleagues from other medias reported 3:0?!
- No they are wrong. I'm at the stadium and I'm telling you it's 2:1.
And then a voice (of a fan) near the correspondent is heard:
- Oh, you stupid woman! At the half time they changed the sides!
Various sport quotes :
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
----------
Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
----------
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
----------
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
----------
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
---------
"Play some Picasso."
-Former New Jersey Net Chris Morris, to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to impress a date
Yugoslav commentators
What a great save by our goalkeeper!
After 20 sec : Why are the German players so happy? Hmm, it seems that the goalkeeper didn't save that ball. It's a goal
-----------
Broadcast from Turkey: Look at the people on the stadium. Only the police dogs don't have mustache
-----------
While the ball is in the air, let me tell you the starting line ups
----------
Zoran Savic won't play today. He had a little family problem. His mother died
----------
You can recognize the Yugoslavian boxing champion by his white shorts and his opponent, Keniyan guy Motungua , by his black shorts
---------
This is little Swedish high jumper Kelly Eriksson. She is here with her mum Maria. Mummy Maria is always with Kelly. And this strong guy you see is John Godina. He doesn't need his mummy here
---------
This ball presents a greater danger to the planes than to Partizan's goal
---------
This is something that i can't translate : (za Salke 04 igra Marko Kurz):
"Lopta do Kurca."
---------
After danish referee Pedersen made a mistake : Pedersen, you really deserve this surname (Peder means faggot, Pedersen=faggotsen)
---------
" 90 minutes have passed and here is the 4th referee. Looks like substitute with number 3 will join the game.......player called Minutes"
---------
Now you can see Emanuelle Filippini with the ball...and interesting, on the bench there's another Filippini. And you won't believe me they were born on exactly the same day!..no, wait... they're actually twins.
Polish commentators :
You've got to choose, beauty or weight lifting... Zhanna Pintusevich-Block has chosen the second option
---------
Now everything is in the hands of the horse
---------
As you can see, you cannot see anything in this fog
--------
Yesssss !!! The German lost her head
---------
Bulgarian female reporter :
Bulgarian team in third division plays a Sunday match so the local correspondent of the National Radio was just calling off air to tell the score at the half time and at the end. It was her first match and she reported 2:0 for the home team at half time. After the match she reported 2:1 FT.
- Are you sure? - said the guy from the studio.
- 100% sure!
- But your colleagues from other medias reported 3:0?!
- No they are wrong. I'm at the stadium and I'm telling you it's 2:1.
And then a voice (of a fan) near the correspondent is heard:
- Oh, you stupid woman! At the half time they changed the sides!
Various sport quotes :
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
----------
Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
----------
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
----------
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
----------
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
---------
"Play some Picasso."
-Former New Jersey Net Chris Morris, to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to impress a date
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas din-
ner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,
but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the wo-
man's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across
her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain a-
gain. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder
and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time
she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a
train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
ner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,
but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the wo-
man's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across
her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain a-
gain. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder
and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time
she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a
train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
*God Takes a Vacation *
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.
"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's
nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that
hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down
to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went
there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking
about it!"
*Bush Talking*
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last
time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the
wilderness
A woman accompanied her husband to his doctor's appointment. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!"
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be nice and make sure he's in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with household chores, as this could further his s stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of massages.
Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every desire."
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
She replied, "He said you're gonna die."
He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!"
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be nice and make sure he's in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with household chores, as this could further his s stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of massages.
Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every desire."
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
She replied, "He said you're gonna die."
Do you ever wonder ...
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.
The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"
The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.
This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."
His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."
The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."
Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.
His father says, "Go on Johnny."
So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."
With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.
He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"
The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"
The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"
The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.
This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."
His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."
The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."
Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.
His father says, "Go on Johnny."
So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."
With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.
He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"
The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"
Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten", replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten", replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"
There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth.
A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."
The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.
At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, your an asshole when your drunk!!"
A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, "You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."
The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.
At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, "Superman, your an asshole when your drunk!!"
The Five Stages Of Drunkeness
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"
A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you said that you going on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am innocent - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you said that you going on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am innocent - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
this cracked me up!!!
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"
"No, I never found her head!!!"
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"
"No, I never found her head!!!"