Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (7 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elemen-
tary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had
written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
tary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had
written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal! : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I
ask him?"
The principal and Boy, both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy:, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Neelam:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala
Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it
u have to use ur hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Come, kid, and sit down instead of me. I hope you won't repeat my error by employing a whore as a first-grade teacher."
her students.
The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal! : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I
ask him?"
The principal and Boy, both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy:, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Neelam:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala
Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it
u have to use ur hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Come, kid, and sit down instead of me. I hope you won't repeat my error by employing a whore as a first-grade teacher."
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy says, "I think I'm going to move to Utah , there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy speaks up also and says, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy says, " I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turns around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice replies. . . . . . ."Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any nuns there."
In a very loud voice, the first guy says, "I think I'm going to move to Utah , there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy speaks up also and says, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy says, " I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turns around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice replies. . . . . . ."Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any nuns there."
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
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The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
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Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "
Two guys from Ross County are sitting quietly in a boat on Lake
Erie, fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Max says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Erie, fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Max says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
omg hahahaha