Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Good Sermon
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with
her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the
preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it
if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn
good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in
Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it
was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
The Reverend looks stunned, and says, "NO SHIT?"
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with
her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the
preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it
if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn
good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in
Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it
was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
The Reverend looks stunned, and says, "NO SHIT?"
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, and learns that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Three nuns were talking
the first nun said, "i was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you
know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"what did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"well, of course i threw them all in the trash."
the second nun said, "well, i can top that. i was in the father's room putting
away the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms."
"oh my," gasped the other nuns. "what did you do?" they asked.
"i poked holes in all of them" she replied.
the third nun said, "oh s***."
the first nun said, "i was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you
know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"what did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"well, of course i threw them all in the trash."
the second nun said, "well, i can top that. i was in the father's room putting
away the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms."
"oh my," gasped the other nuns. "what did you do?" they asked.
"i poked holes in all of them" she replied.
the third nun said, "oh s***."
Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, "George, I had a wonderful
dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I
saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Bush asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
Mr. Bush responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an
enormous banner."
"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
"I don't know," replied Mr. Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."
dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I
saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Bush asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
Mr. Bush responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an
enormous banner."
"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
"I don't know," replied Mr. Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."
Way Behind
"A British doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House now half the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war."
"A British doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House now half the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
International thinking at it's best
===================================
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in
a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven
by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle
before you change the spelling)followed closely by Italian Papa-
razzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This was originally sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill
Gate's technology, and you're probably reading this on your compu-
ter, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a Singaporeplant, transported by Indian
lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian
longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal's....
That, my friends, is Globalization.
===================================
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in
a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven
by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle
before you change the spelling)followed closely by Italian Papa-
razzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This was originally sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill
Gate's technology, and you're probably reading this on your compu-
ter, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a Singaporeplant, transported by Indian
lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian
longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal's....
That, my friends, is Globalization.
Think you are having a bad day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber,
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber,
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
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One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
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Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Q: Why did the girl put two quarters in her ear?
A: To hear 50 cent.
Q: What do you get when you play country music backwards?
A: You get back your wife, your dog, your truck...
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent blonde celebrity and a UFO?
A: Dunno, never seen either.
Q: Why does Nicole Richie smile when lightning strikes?
A: She thinks she's getting their photo taken.
Q: Why doesn't Victoria Beckham eat bananas?
A: She can't find the zip.
Q: What did 50 Cent say when his Grandma gave him a jumper for his birthday?
A: Gee! You Knit?!
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Q: Why did the girl put two quarters in her ear?
A: To hear 50 cent.
Q: What do you get when you play country music backwards?
A: You get back your wife, your dog, your truck...
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent blonde celebrity and a UFO?
A: Dunno, never seen either.
Q: Why does Nicole Richie smile when lightning strikes?
A: She thinks she's getting their photo taken.
Q: Why doesn't Victoria Beckham eat bananas?
A: She can't find the zip.
Q: What did 50 Cent say when his Grandma gave him a jumper for his birthday?
A: Gee! You Knit?!