Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (19 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR
drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS AREN'T IN NASCAR...
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.
drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS AREN'T IN NASCAR...
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.
I like that top 10.
I thought it was pretty hilarious myself.
Not far from my neighborhood, there are streets where the homies use their front seats like their living room sofas. Just hanging out in their cars as if there was a TV with a remote on their dash, leaning back in the seat -- waiting for stuff to happen on the street,
Not far from my neighborhood, there are streets where the homies use their front seats like their living room sofas. Just hanging out in their cars as if there was a TV with a remote on their dash, leaning back in the seat -- waiting for stuff to happen on the street,
not sure if this is the right time for this joke, especially wen sum of u r making fun of black Nascar drivers. nonetheless i found this joke and thought it was funny.
A Bengali man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Bengali man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The Bengai man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"listen magi....when i was born, i was BROWN, "
"When i grew up, i was BROWN, "
"When i'm sick, i'm BROWN, "
"When i go in the sun, i'm BROWN, "
"When I'm cold, i'm BROWN, "
"When i die, i'll be BROWN."
But you magi...."
"When you're born, you're pink, "
"When you grow up, you're white, "
"When you're sick, you're green , "
"When you go in the sun, you turn red, "
"When you're cold, you turn blue, "
"And when you die, you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
"sala haramjada mutku""
A Bengali man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Bengali man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The Bengai man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"listen magi....when i was born, i was BROWN, "
"When i grew up, i was BROWN, "
"When i'm sick, i'm BROWN, "
"When i go in the sun, i'm BROWN, "
"When I'm cold, i'm BROWN, "
"When i die, i'll be BROWN."
But you magi...."
"When you're born, you're pink, "
"When you grow up, you're white, "
"When you're sick, you're green , "
"When you go in the sun, you turn red, "
"When you're cold, you turn blue, "
"And when you die, you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
"sala haramjada mutku""
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. 'I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, 'And where do you think you're going?'
She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. 'I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, 'And where do you think you're going?'
She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was
done at the local Chinese Laundry.
so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection
of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another
note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and
when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from
HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS"
done at the local Chinese Laundry.
so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection
of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another
note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and
when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from
HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS"
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Aussie humour
=============
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he
sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce
slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce.
You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says
"Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a
real sport too."
And drives off.
=============
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he
sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce
slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce.
You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says
"Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a
real sport too."
And drives off.
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
great A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
