Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)

[Desmond]

5 presidents are on a plane

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Desmond]

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

 

[Desmond]

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

 

[Desmond]

Bush Does a Favor

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man approaches him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is John Tapay, and I'm here with an extremely important client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, John'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush waves and says, "Hello, John!"

The man replies, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

 

[Desmond]

Little Kid's Books


'You Were an Accident'

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'

 

[Dj Juve]

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

 

[Layce Erayce]

GWBUSH Quotes

"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a—a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone."—Denver, CO. Aug. 14, 2001

"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I--it's--I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values."--Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."--After meeting with the leaders of the European Union, Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."--Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001


"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically."—Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to—I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."—Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment."—Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001 (Thanks to Rachael Contorer.)

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."—Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

"They misunderestimated me."—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."-Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."-Austin, Texas, Dec. 8, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."-New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."-Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."—Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."— Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."—Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000

"The senator [McCain] has got to understand if he's going to have—he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."—To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."—South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."—Debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

"It's your money. You paid for it."—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W. Bush." -- George W. Bush, in the Houston Chronicle.

"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." -- George Jr., discussing a web site that parodies him

"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." -- Bush, on David Letterman, March 2, 2000. (the audience booed)

"I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- get into politics to feather my nest or feather my friends' nests." -- Bush Jr., in the Houston Chronicle

 

[vitoria_Ally]

++ [ originally posted by Paranoia ] ++
Bush Does a Favor

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man approaches him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is John Tapay, and I'm here with an extremely important client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, John'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush waves and says, "Hello, John!"

The man replies, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

:LOL:

 

[Martin]

Great ones, Desmond and Josh!

 

[Dj Juve]

m sure ur regreting ever making the juvenile thread marting

 

[Layce Erayce]

Mood Ring

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he can monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood... it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood... it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[Dj Juve]

 

[Desmond]

If Airlines Operated Like Computers
DOS Airline
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

Linux Airline
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat- howto.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Mac Airline
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Mach Airline
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airline
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

OS/2 Airline
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Airline
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6 months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then, once in the air the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airline
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Airline
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

VMS Airline
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

 

[Desmond]

25 Ways To Irritate Your Professors
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "An Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."

21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and beat him up.

 

[Desmond]

Two are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow
his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes
outside and does his stretching exercises. So the set up shop
right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and
have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to
him."
---------------------------------------------
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI
Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have,
and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a
maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into
battle first?"

 

[Desmond]

Stupid People



* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river
near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and
swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of
low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level
bridge -- killing him.

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid
of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his
toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down,
hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped
death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After
treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files.
The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in
his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill
himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an
hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and
killed his wife.

* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down
in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he
could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to
death.

* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the
back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself
in the city prison.

* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the
busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its
roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another
car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot
of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed
through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even
more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit - Bob Finnegan. In the space
of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken
leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came
up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he
sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered
to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind
Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train
roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm.
Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the
head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort
of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car.
At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray.
The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did
so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the
insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a
snail's pace near the centre of the road. At the moment of impact their
heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men
were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen
to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in
Kingston-upon-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one
of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a
train.

* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging
by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to
make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw
him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding
what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr.
Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she
dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was
climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left
some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the
muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and
knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if
she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A
few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal
mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was
the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the
woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and
departed.

 

[Layce Erayce]

 

[Desmond]

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown
had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch
him."
--------------------------------
Bathroom Scales

Two youngsters were closely examining on display at the
department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes
you mad... at least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
-------------------------------------------------
A Courageous Pirate



Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in
danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the
captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain
put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an
ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red
shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood,
and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both
boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent
and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

[Darin]

...

 

[Darin]

...