http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
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FOOTBALL V SEX
Football
-It lasts for 90 minutes
-You may be substituted when you're tired
-You can be certain that you'll do it at least once a week
-People are happy when you score
-Accessories can be washed and used again
-You get paid without being a prostitute
-You can play in front of your mother
-You can kiss your teammates without being called gay
-You can score with the head, but also with your feet
Sex
-You may use your hands without being the goalie
-You don't have to wait for a whistle to start going
-No journalist will judge your performance
-You don't have to wait for 90 minutes to wash your uniform
-There's no half-time
-You may sit and relax right after scoring
-There are no knee or leg injuries
-The "pitch" can be used regardless of the weather
-You may pick your opponent
-You may smoke right after the goal
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"
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>WOMEN'S ENGLISH
>1. Yes = No
>2. No = Yes
>3. Maybe = No
>4. We need = I want..
>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
>6. We need to talk = I need to complain
>7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
>8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
>10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
>11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
>12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
>13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
>14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
>15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now>
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
>about?
>17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on
TV
>18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really
not
going to like
> >MEN'S ENGLISH
>1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
>3. I am tired = I am tired
>4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
>5. I love you = Let's have sex now
>6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
>7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
>8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
>9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
>10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
>11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
>12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to
have
sex with you
>13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with
you
within the next 3 mins.
>14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
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SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows, The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are voting for Mubarak!
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So this guy's on an airplane with Claudia Schiffer and the plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and only them two survive. They both manage to swim off to a desert island where they find the bare necessities for decent survival.
A week into their ordeal and they start having some deep heartfelt conversation; they like each other.
A week later the dude invites her for a coconut on a rock to watch the sunset
Another week later and they start fooling around, then, a month in they're finally sleepinng together
A month later and things are getting really exciting, its all hot and heavy in the sand. However, a month after that and things start feeling a bit stale, Claudia, being the drop dead gorgeous bombshell she is, naturally feels a little insecure and goes up to the guy and asks:
"Dude, I feel things aren't as exciting as they were about a month ago, is something wrong? Is there anything you'd like me to do differently?"
He says, "Well, now that you mention it, there is something..."
"Sure" she says
"Do you mind putting my clothes on?" asks the guy sheepishly
Understandably, Claudia is a little surpised, but decides not to make a big fuss out of it, puts on his clothes and says "Ok, is there anything else?"
"Hmmm, do you mind if I draw you a moustache?" says the guy inquisitively, getting visibly excited....
Claudia's concern grows, but she does realise that she doesn't really have options so she replies "Yeah, you can draw a moustache, anything else?"
Even more excited, the guy says "Well can I call you Fred?"
Claudia is officially freaked out. But she does want to see where this is going so she says "No problem, you can call me Fred"
So the guy puts his hand on her shoulder and looks at her with a smug grin and says "Fred, you won't believe who I'm banging!"
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Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
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These were hilarious!
