Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (18 Viewers)

[chester]

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintaineye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[ReBeL]

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintaineye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.

Great one, man...

+rep

 

[chester]

Seduction lines
===============
- I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

- (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these
wet clothes.

- Nice legs...what time do they open?

- Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out
my package.

- You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

- Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

- I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.

- I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher, have you seen one?

- I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.

- Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta
me.

- I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-mart, so I could
ride you all day long for a quarter.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

- I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

- Are those real?

- You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

- You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!

- I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

- Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw
ya.

- If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.

- (Look down at the crotch)...It's not just going to suck itself.

- You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

- You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

- F*** me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

- Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor.

- My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

- Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

- My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

- My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

- I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?

- If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I
bet we could do it in public.

- Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What, you don't like
pizza?

- I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.

- Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.

- Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

- Do you wash your pants in Windex?...because I can see myself in
them.

- If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

- I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this cheap motel room

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hopefully these might help anyone during the weekend.

 

[Lilith]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY


There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their asses!


85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say they don't care,
they love him,
he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.

 

[Seven]

Seduction lines
===============
- I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

- (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these
wet clothes.

- Nice legs...what time do they open?

- Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out
my package.

- You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

- Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

- I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.

- I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher, have you seen one?

- I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.

- Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta
me.

- I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-mart, so I could
ride you all day long for a quarter.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

- I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

- Are those real?

- You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

- You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!

- I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

- Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw
ya.

- If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.

- (Look down at the crotch)...It's not just going to suck itself.

- You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

- You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

- F*** me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

- Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor.

- My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

- Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

- My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

- My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

- I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?

- If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I
bet we could do it in public.

- Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What, you don't like
pizza?

- I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.

- Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.

- Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

- Do you wash your pants in Windex?...because I can see myself in
them.

- If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

- I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this cheap motel room

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hopefully these might help anyone during the weekend.

Think this one through. That's not funny, that's ugly.

 

[Lilith]

I thought they were funny. Usually they will get you a laugh in the face though UNLESS you come back with some great line about cheesy pick up lines.

 

[Seven]

What about:

"Sorry about that."

 

[Lilith]

I heard one guy with a great comeback but for the life of me I cannot remember what it was. It wasn't an apology but something to do about how cheesy the line was.

 

[sateeh]

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintaineye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me.

i didnt get it

 

[chester]

i didnt get it

To come is the same as to ejaculate, let's see if you got it now.

 

[chester]

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the
side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The first guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and
drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy
is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do
for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on
the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sun-
set, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dres-
sed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop
one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue
jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."

 

[Byrone]

Lame,but funny.

 

[ReBeL]

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special And this UP is
confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............. Time to shut UP.....!

 

[Maher]

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.
The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

 

[chester]

Kindergarten
============
Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The
biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana"
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done.
"I read a book" he replied.
"That's wonderful" the teacher said.
"What book did you read?"
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:
"Winnie The Shit."

 

[chester]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

 

[Bozi]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are
men.

 

[Bozi]

The Guys' Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down,We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, Rugby, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading
this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.:faq1:

 

[Lilith]

 

[Hambon]

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: ''Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.''

To which the wife responds, ''He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.''