Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (32 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
---
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car
was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you
try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do i shoot you or the driver?”
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
---
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car
was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you
try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do i shoot you or the driver?”
It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
" -- "
"Seeback!"
" -- "
"Seeback!!!"
" -- "
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
" -- "
"Seeback!"
" -- "
"Seeback!!!"
" -- "
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th class students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, Lets start with the boys first.
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next.
Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.
Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.
This continues...
and the last boy stands up Im Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.
First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.
Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.
Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.
Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet girl; Yes you...
Most beautiful girl of the class:
Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.
She said, Lets start with the boys first.
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next.
Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.
Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.
This continues...
and the last boy stands up Im Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.
First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.
Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.
Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.
Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet girl; Yes you...
Most beautiful girl of the class:
Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
And finally, the #1 reason why God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
And finally, the #1 reason why God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick
--
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick
--
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accomanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had benn wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."
"I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Accomanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had benn wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."
"I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
One day, a blonde walks in to work and is hysterically crying.
Her boss comes over to ask her what's wrong and she says, "My sister just called -- her mom died."
Her boss nicely offers to give her the day off, but she refuses.
A few hours later, her boss comes over to check on her and she is hysterically crying again. He asks her what is wrong and she says, "My sister just called -- my mom died too."
Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much
10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday.
8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
7- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6- Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
Her boss comes over to ask her what's wrong and she says, "My sister just called -- her mom died."
Her boss nicely offers to give her the day off, but she refuses.
A few hours later, her boss comes over to check on her and she is hysterically crying again. He asks her what is wrong and she says, "My sister just called -- my mom died too."
Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much
10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday.
8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
7- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6- Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen , this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck" if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen , this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck" if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
---
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
---
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
(Should be read with italian accent)
An Italian Who Went To spain
Dear Signore Dirrettore
Now I am tell you a strory how I was treated at your hotell. I am come from Roma as tourist to spain and stay as young christian man at your hotel.
When I come in my room I see there is no sheet in my bed.
How can I sleep with no sheet in my bed? So I call down to receptione and tell:'I wanna sheet!' They tell me: 'You wanna shit? Go to toilet'.
I say 'no, no. I wanna sheet in my bed.'
They say: 'You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down for breakfast into restaurant, I order bacon and eggs and two pieces of toast. I getta only one piece of toast. I tell waitress, and point of toast: 'I wanna piece'.
She tella me 'You wanna piss? go to toilet'.
I say: 'No, no. I wanna piece on my plate!'.
She then say to me:'You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
Later I go for dinner in restaurant. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fork.
I tell waitress: 'I wanna fork!' and she tella me: 'Sure everybody wanna fock!
I tell her: 'no no. You dont understand me. I wanna fork on the table!'
She tell me: 'So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outa here!'
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more.
When I have paid the billa, the portier say to me: 'Thank you and peace on you'.
I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch!
I go back to Italy! I never comma stay at your hotella,'
Your sonnawabitch!
An Italian Who Went To spain
Dear Signore Dirrettore
Now I am tell you a strory how I was treated at your hotell. I am come from Roma as tourist to spain and stay as young christian man at your hotel.
When I come in my room I see there is no sheet in my bed.
How can I sleep with no sheet in my bed? So I call down to receptione and tell:'I wanna sheet!' They tell me: 'You wanna shit? Go to toilet'.
I say 'no, no. I wanna sheet in my bed.'
They say: 'You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down for breakfast into restaurant, I order bacon and eggs and two pieces of toast. I getta only one piece of toast. I tell waitress, and point of toast: 'I wanna piece'.
She tella me 'You wanna piss? go to toilet'.
I say: 'No, no. I wanna piece on my plate!'.
She then say to me:'You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!'
What is a sonnawabitch?
Later I go for dinner in restaurant. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fork.
I tell waitress: 'I wanna fork!' and she tella me: 'Sure everybody wanna fock!
I tell her: 'no no. You dont understand me. I wanna fork on the table!'
She tell me: 'So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outa here!'
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more.
When I have paid the billa, the portier say to me: 'Thank you and peace on you'.
I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch!
I go back to Italy! I never comma stay at your hotella,'
Your sonnawabitch!
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
---
Watch and Learn
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
---
Watch and Learn
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
