Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (61 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH….


OBJECTIVE

To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION

School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Jem83]

Good one, ReBeL

 

[ReBeL]

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession...

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "

What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man calmly replied "Join the queue."

 

[Hambon]

IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH….

Right on Bro....haha

+rep

 

[ReBeL]

At a doctor's shop one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious
backache. The doctor examines him and asks him "What the hell did you do
to your back?

"The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?
Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the
balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.

As looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was
dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I
strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell
happened to you?"

He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was
the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and
you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do.

The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!"

 

[Azzurri7]

:rofl2:

 

[Hambon]

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

 

[Hambon]

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'

 

[Hambon]

Country Song Titles
These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


Bumper Stickers!!

1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
3) I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
4) Keep honking while I reload.
5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
8) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
9) Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
10) If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13) My wife complains I never listen to her...or something like that.
14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!
15) If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

 

[ReBeL]

An interesting observation:


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.


AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

[ReBeL]

Questions waiting for some answers:


1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (I am not joking.
even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird)

2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be given a thought)

3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good thinking)

5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who Knows?)

6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)

7. Why do people say, "You’ve been working like a dog" when dogs just
sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)

8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell)

10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes)

11. What does OK actually mean? (OK, I don't know)

12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I will stay and watch)

13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed)

14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help?)

17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can)

18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (Strange isn't it)

19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your
radio would you be able to hear it? (Got to think scientifically)

20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens? (I don't have a change to try)

21. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (Very nice)

22. I f a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth? (This is nice)

23. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130
when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (Stupid, break the law)

 

[Stephan]

Classic Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 p.m.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. I had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

--

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

--

A man is sitting in the bar and waits for his friend. While he's waiting he goes to the bar man and asks for some whisky
'£1 please sir'
So he takes a pound and hands it over.
Finally the friends comes and the man goes to the barman again and asks for 2 glasses of whisky.
'£1 please' said the barman
The man looks confused and hands over another pound.
Then another friend pops in, the man goes to the barman and asks for 3 glasses of whisky.
'£1 please' the man looks confused again and hands over another pound. Before going back to his friends he goes to the barman and says
'hey, I don't get this your suppose to charge me £3...How much is a bottle of whisky?'
'£1' replies the barman
'Why?' asks the man
'Because the boss is up there f*ucking my girlfriend and I'm down here f*cking his business!'


--

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

--

A man gets off work and decides to join the boys down at the local tavern for a few beers. After a few hours of heavy drinking he's feeling pretty wasted so he goes home.

He gets to his house and as he stumbles up the stairs to the bedroom he starts getting real horny. He gets to the bedroom and slides under the covers to find his wife naked, he begins to go down on her, as she moans to the pleasure of her climax, he thinks to himself how good it tasted. He gets up and staggers to the bathroom to wash up, as he opens the door and sees his wife on the toilet.

"Hi, honey" she says.

"My mother came to visit and she's sleeping in our bed tonight."

--

An Irish man and an American man are sitting down having a drink. The American starts boasting and says 'Oh America is such a great country, we've even sent a man to the moon'
The Irishman then replies 'Oh that's nothing! We're gonna send a man to the sun!'
The American man looks confused and says 'What?! He'll burn before he even gets there!'
The Irishman then replies 'Ah! We know, that's why we're gonna send him at night'

 

[Stephan]

woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie
appeared!
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish
genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with
each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and
vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and
please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and
fun,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and
gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful.
That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that f**king'
map again.

--

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his blonde wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

--

Tom returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Tom went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.

Later, Tom was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Tom, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Tom, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.".

--

 

[ReBeL]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town-"What a peaceful & loving couple".

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled.

My wife said, "That's once".

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife said, 'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse; while I was shouting, she looked at me, and said, "That's once".

" And we lived happily ever after"

 

[ReBeL]

POEM FOR SENIOR COMPUTER USERS


A Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A Window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log On was adding wood to the fire
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut's what you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

 

[The Arif]

Joke of the day:

Roberto Mancini: “It’s hard to find a better Coach than me”.

 

[Henry]

hehe

 

[Maher]

hehe

 

[K10]

A seven year old boy was at the center of an Italian Courtroom
drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should
have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his
parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that
the family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that, while
visiting his aunt during the summer holidays, his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the
remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic
violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should
have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Inter
Milan Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone.

 

[ReBeL]

One day, a Chinese walked into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushed over to him, and asked for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gave him a slap and said, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here".

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gave Spielberg a slap and said, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship".

Shocked, Spielberg replied, "It was the iceberg that sank the Ship, not me".

The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same".