Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (14 Viewers)

[Ahmedios]

Irish Confession

Use the Term 'Falling' Instead Of 'Cheating'

An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday
confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his
congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession
that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me
'I have cheated with Anthony... I have cheated with Mary... I have cheated
with Frankie.' I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when
you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or
with Mary, or with Frankie.' No more the word CHEATS. It will be FALL."

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger
man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in
the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions,
the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor,
you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the
streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are
falling all over the place."

The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his
chair and laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing!
Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times!"

 

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[Lawnchair Bes]

the joke has been posted before

 

[china man]

ban the whole inter

 

[The Arif]

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

 

[The Arif]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

-----

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

-----

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

 

[The Arif]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

-----

- What Bill Gates' wife says him when they make love?
- Bill, you are so MICRO, you are so SOFT.

-----

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

-----

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

-----

In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".

-----

- Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don’t exist.

 

[ReBeL]

A boss has to interview four girls for a secretary's position. He thought of a question and asked each one of them:

Boss: "A woman normally has two mouths, What's the difference between the two?"

The first one answered: One can talk but the other can't.

Second answered: one is vertical and the other is horizontal.

Third answered: one is hairy, the other isn't.

The last one answered: One is for my use and the other is for my boss.

Boss: You're hired!

 

[Kosta]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

[ReBeL]

Fly on Sudanese Airlines


Sudan Airways Al Salamu alaykoum.

This is your captain Al Moghira Dagash welcoming both seated and standing
passengers on board of Sudan Airways.

We apologize for the four-days delay in taking off, it was due to bad
weather and some overtime I had to put in selling milk from my cow with my
only means of transportation being a donkey.

This is flight 747 to Khartoum Airport. Landing is not guaranteed, but we
will end up somewhere in Sudan. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be
landing on your village! Sudan Airways has an excellent safety-record. In
fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to
fly with us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over
30% of our passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange
to turn them off! We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will
not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our
movie buffs, we will be flying right next to BMI Airlines, where their movie
will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin
is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In
order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for
the best view.

If however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic
co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and
fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.

And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch
with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.
Thanking you all for choosing Sudan airways to fly for the first and last
time" Wish You a nice trip, Captain Al Moghira Dagash!!

 

[The Arif]

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Jerry Seinfeld


People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes, I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. "You look jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss."

Mitch Hedberg


According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Jerry Seinfeld


My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg


What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

Jerry Seinfeld


I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Mitch Hedberg


When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

Mitch Hedberg

 

[The Arif]

Misheard song lyrics

Misheard: She had a problem with his fatty clothes.
Original: She had a problem with his baggy clothes.

"Sk8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne


Misheard: God knows Jesus.
Original: You're no Jesus.

"Meglomaniac" by Incubus


Misheard: I'm not short, right on!
Original Lyrics: I'm not a shoulder to cry on.

"This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race" by Fallout Boy


Misheard: If you wanna be Danny Glover
Original: If you wanna be my lover

"Wannabe" by the Spice Girls


Misheard: Two trailer park girls call Mama outside
Mama outside, mama outside.

Original: Two trailer park girls go 'round the outside
'Round the outside, 'round the outside.

"Without Me" by Eminem


Misheard: She makes a man wanna see Spandex.
Original: She makes a man wanna speak Spanish.

"Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira


Misheard: California, show your teets.
Original: California, show your teeth.

"Dani California" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers


Misheard: Westlife's like, bleeding on the floor.
Original: What's life like, bleeding on the floor.

"Thank You For The Venom" by My Chemical Romance


Misheard: I just watched her make
The salmon steaks again.

Original: I just watched her make
The same mistakes again.

"Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

i m sure the eminem song is not called that

 

[The Arif]

Its called Without Me.

 

[Chxta]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "he's the pizza delivery guy from Dominos."

 

[Ahmedios]

A Dirty Fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

 

[Ahmedios]

Mating cats

Veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and
a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went
happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an
elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the
roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

 

[Chxta]

 

[ReBeL]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor? "

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next! "

 

[RAMI-N]

:rofl2:

 

[Ahmedios]