José María Martín Álvaro Francisco Cáceres Domínguez Olazábal Silva Ortiz de la Cruz y Rodriguez Blanco was born in Montevideo on a Wednesday in 1980-something. He has two sisters and pet tarantula named Motley. His favourite colour is mauve and his favourite artist is Flo Rida. He moved to Spain in 2000-and-something and decided to try his hand at playing a bit of football for some La I Beat You 8-0 Liga teams. Later in life he got a chance to live out his childhood dream of following in the footsteps of Matteo Paro and Jorge Andrade by signing for the once famous Juventus. He was largely unsuccessful during his early years in Turin, until Andrea Agnelli moved the club to France, sacked Giuseppe Marotta and signed Suarez, Dzeko, Jovetic, Diamanti, Sanchez, Muriel, Zaza, Neymar, Elvis Presley and Isco all in one transfer window. Cáceres flourished as the sole defender in Montella's revolutionary 1-0-9 formation and won the Ballon d'Or twice in the same season. He replaced Simone Padoin as Bianconeri captain in 2016 and later that season scored the winning penalty as Juventus beat Antonio Conte's Chelsea in the Champions League final.
After retirement, Cáceres went on to manage the Tercera División side Barcelona. After narrowly saving the Catalan club from liquidation, he was hired by the Football Association of Ireland to replace 126 year old Giovanni Trapattoni as Republic of Ireland boss. He won two Worlds Cups and European Championship with the Boys In Green. After winning his 400th cap, Captain Robbie Keane told the press that it had been his boyhood dream to be managed by Martín Cáceres.
Cáceres stepped down from the Ireland job to concentrate on his interests outside of football. During his retirement from the game, Cáceres wrote a chart-topping hit for a holographic Led Zeppelin, fathered 42 children, brought peace to the Middle East and directed an Oscar-nominated film entitled "Andrea Pirlo: How I Won the Champions League While Baked Out of My Mind". He later replaced Alessandro Del Piero as Secretary General of the United Nations and cured world hunger.
Cáceres now lives on his private island of Barbados, having bought it from the locals with his earnings from the sale of his 60% share in Family Guy porn website juventuz.org.