(AP) Inter Humilated; Team Commits Mass Suicide
Disbelief has struck the Milan area.
The soccer world was stunned by the discovery of a mass suicide of the players on Internazionale, following their humiliating defeat to Juventus home at the San Siro. Reports are sketchy at the moment, but it appears that the grisly remains were found on the team bus.
Investigator Neroazz Urrisuk of the Milan police department has issued the following statement "Police officials in Milan found the Inter bus pulled off the side of the road. Everyone on board was dead. Early details indicate that everyone comitted suicide by a single shot to the head (the only exception was Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who appears to have missed his target with his first 15 shots, before finally scoring.) A suicide note with only the words "Where were the judges and arbitri (refs) to help us like they promised? " was found near Zlatan's body, and took hours to decifir, as it was written in Swedish. "We are not surprised that it wasn't written in Italian", said Urrisuk, "as there is no one on the team that is able to write it".
We were unable to reach Mr. Moratti at his home, the home of his recently disbarred dentist, or at the home of his gay lover for comment.
League officials, after consulting with all the referees, expect Inter to easily win its remaining matches, despite having no players on the pitch, however.