Blog: Dear Santa…
1. Please can you bring us a striker capable of scoring lots of goals? Zlatan Ibrahimovic is fantastic, but he’s just one man and we need at least another one if we want to win big this term. Every time the Swede sniffles our hearts leap into our throats. Signed, Inter.
2. Please can you empty our infirmary? We’ve had so many big players in there for so long we don’t even know who is supposed to be in our starting XI and who the substitutes are. It would also give our medical staff a much-needed break. Signed, Juventus.
3. Please can you decrease the average age of our team? Opposing players are starting to call Paolo Maldini ‘dad’. Also could you make players like Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo pick up their pace otherwise every time Gennaro Gattuso is unavailable our team collapses. Also, could you remind Andriy Shevchenko what a striker’s job is? Signed, Milan.
4. Please can you give us some belief in ourselves? We have a competitive side, with lots of players called up for Italy, a magical Adrian Mutu and a re-born Alberto Gilardino. But as our poor showing in the Champions League proves, we lack self-confidence. Signed, Fiorentina.
5. Please can you give us a backbone? Without Francesco Totti we fall to pieces and any team can have us. We need to shake off our crippling dependence on our captain, no matter how good he is. Signed, Roma.
6. Please can we have a time machine? Two months ago we looked unstoppable in Europe and in Italy and all of a sudden we are lucky if we can put together a draw. We lost something somewhere and need to go back in time to find it. Signed, Udinese.
7. Please can we have some sanity? We can win away to Juventus and then lose to Cagliari. Also could you bring our owner, Maurizio Zamparini, a few meditation therapy tapes? His constant eruptions are as destabilizing as Mount Etna’s. Signed, Palermo.
8. Please can you give us some sea legs? We are lethal at home but as soon as we step a few miles away from the Gulf of Naples it’s as if we have become another side, one struggling to avoid relegation. Signed, Napoli.
Giovanni Spinella, Football Italia