Derry City was founded in 1928 in order to settle a bet over the exact pronunciation of the word “hi”. Unfortunately, like most such efforts to resolve complex linguistic problems, it didn’t achieve its aim. Casting its eye over some alternative uses for the club, it was decided to give football a go. Initially, this was far from successful, with a grand total of two tin cups making up the first twenty years of the club’s history. A change of management introduced the concept of the three t’s: tactics, training and trematodes. An IFA Cup followed the very next season, though various health problems induced by the trematodes put the entire first team out of action for the next four years. In 1954, they won the Cup again by the ingenious method of setting the stadium on fire before daring the other team to enter. They didn’t accept the challenge (wimps – Micko would have sorted them out by himself, extinguishing the fire while simultaneously winning man of the match), so Derry added to their very small collection of silverware. Not wishing to return it the following season, the club arranged for photos of the team urinating into the cup to be passed around on the sly. The IFA bought a new cup.
Eager to achieve those dizzying heights again, the club focused all of its efforts on the cup. League matches were viewed as an inconvenience, so they just fielded eleven stewards, which was much safer for all concerned. Unfortunately, massive injury problems caused by giant mutated trematodes rampaging through Derry meant that it was 1964 before the IFA Cup tasted Derry urine again. Now, about this time, it was decided to create a couple of European Cups, just so Di Stefano, Puskas, et al at Madrid had something more to win every year. Derry took no time at all adapting to their new, cosmopolitan surroundings, adopting immediately the style of football that’s won them almost no games in Europe, ever. They lost 5-0 on aggregate to Steaua Bucharest, much to everyone’s delight.
A freak league victory that season (their stewards had gotten a lot of practice) meant that the Brandywell again saw European action the following season. After an exuberant 5-3 loss in Norway, Derry hosted Lynn, looking for a vital defeat. Unfortunately, the weather was appalling, with torrential rain reducing visibility to just four gallons. Lynn pulled a shock 5-1 defeat out of the bag through the clever method of having seven players stretchered off after a bolt of lightning struck their pre-match huddle. This was the first ever Irish League aggregate win over a two-legged European tie. Seeing the tears in the eyes of the Derry fans, the players vowed never again to win a European tie, a vow to which they have been remarkably steadfast over the decades that have followed.
The next round saw Derry draw Anderlecht. However, Derry were having none of it, and declared their ground unfit for use in European games. The IFA complained vociferously, indicating that as the ground had been grand for the past couple of European games, it could certainly be used now. Derry were not to be budged and promptly withdrew from Europe.
Frustrated by the IFA’s continued moaning about lost UEFA coefficient points, Derry set out to be kicked out of the league. They refused to play their scheduled home games in Finland, unreasonably complaining about the length of the journey. They kicked up a fuss about being fined for the behaviour of home fans during their away games. The final straw came when their supporters enlisted the aid of a crack team of American commandos, who were looking for some interesting side projects. This team, let us call them the “A” Team, turned the supporters’ bus into a sort of tank, equipped with ninteen flamethrowers that happend to be lying around the supporters’ club shack. They were arrested on leaving the country, and jailed for a crime they did not commit – jaywalking. This bus was driven onto the pitch at half time during a game, mowing down the small children’s choir who were giving a rendition of John Lennon’s “Imagine”. The IFA decided at its next meeting to give Derry one last chance. Eager to finally be done with it all, their chairman stripped naked and performed the first recorded Riverdance on the meeting table. Derry were forced to withdraw from the Irish League.
The club went out of existance, staying that way for thirteen years. Then, a team from Derry applied to join the League of Ireland. Dismayed by the number of forms that needed to be filled out, they claimed to in fact be the old Derry City, and were promptly accepted. Unfortunately, old debtors caught up with them, and they’ve been through six bankruptcies since. On the other hand, a bankrupcy clears all accounts, so perhaps it was just terrible financial mismanagement after all. Anyway, they’ve taken to the Eircom League like ducks to water, winning a couple of leagues and cups. They have an unhealthy fixation on winning the league cup, which they’ve done five times because NOBODY ELSE CARES.
). I got nominated for an Irish student media award two years ago for my comedy pieces in the paper. We keep on intending to enter the fanzine (which is much funnier (we think)) into the awards, but never get around to it.
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