Arsenal
London's "too noisy" for wilting wallflower Alexander Hleb so he's going to Inter where 24-hour honking of moped horns, incessant espresso making and overweight opera singers will no doubt provide the peace and quiet he so desires. Meanwhile, the gormless, open-mouthed gawp of Philippe Senderos will be seen at Udinese next season.
Aston Villa
With "Gareth Gate" rumbling on in the background, Martin O'Neill is looking to lure Portsmouth's Pedro Mendes to the Midlands. The lack of seaside may or may not be a stumbling block.
Birmingham City
Mikael Forsell may be the first of the expected exodus from St Andrew's and he's probably heading to Fulham.
Blackburn
Most Bentleys lose value as soon as you drive them off the forecourt. Not David Bentley (dyaseewhattheMillsdonethere?), whose value has increased to £15m since joining Blackburn. Spurs are willing to pay it too. The pint-sized precociousness of Leroy Lita, meanwhile, may well be getting on the nerves of opposing fans at Ewood Park next season.
Bolton Wanderers
St Etienne is home to both leading French haulage firm Norbert Dentressangle - France's version of Eddie Stobart for the uninitiated - and hot-shot striker Bafetimbi Gomis. Bolton's Gary Megson is more interested in the latter and, having had a £7m bid rejected, is now going back to offer more. St Etienne want £17m but the Mill wants a sneak preview of the new Indiana Jones film – it doesn't mean it's going to get it though.
Chelsea
With Didier Drogba due to play his last game in Moscow next Wednesday, who's going to lead the Chelsea line next season? Mario Gomez, the 21-year-old Stuttgart striker, that's who. Or David Villa of Valencia. Or Mexican wonderkid Giovanni Dos Santos , dubbed the new Ronaldinho just without the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket. Or someone else. Who knows? They're just rumours.
Derby County
The Mill knows Derby aren't Premier League – and never really were – but there's a rumour anyway. Robert Earnshaw, who can eat an apple through a tennis racket, is going to Nottingham Forest for £3.5m which, if you think about it, is fairly absurd.
Everton
Much like the Mill's unsightly rash down there, the rumour that Andriy Arshavin is going to Everton just as soon as he ruins Rangers' Uefa Cup dreams just won't go away.
Fulham
Not content with sending them down last Sunday, Roy Hodgson is heading out west "to get himself something nice". Namely, Reading pair André Bikey and Stephen Hunt.
Liverpool
Rafa Benítez is in for Bentley too. Peter Crouch is leaving, but everyone knows that. That's it for Liverpool. Sorry.
Manchester City
Just as City fans must have thought things can't get any worse, West Ham's Anton Ferdinand is being offered as bait in a £6m deal for Richard Dunne.
Manchester United
Bordeaux boss and Fabien Barthez's personal bonce-kisser Laurent Blanc is hoping that the picturesque town square and proximity to some of the world's finest vineyards will be enough for Mikael Silvestre not to care that French league football is a bit rubbish.
Middlesbrough
Lots happening here. Mark Schwarzer is off to Juventus while Newcastle's Alan Smith is coming, along with his numerous yellow cards, no goals and £65,000 a week wages. Ipswich's Irish ace Owen Garvan is also on Gareth Southgate's shopping list.
Newcastle United
Kevin Keegan wants two of the following three: St Etienne's Bafetimbi Gomis, Reading's Nicky Shorey and Joey out of Bread.
Portsmouth
It's not just cup fever that's struck Harry Redknapp, it's the goalscaring panache of West Brom's Ishmael Miller too.
Reading
Give us a break, we've got 19 other teams to sort out here!
Sunderland
There's a glint in them steely Roy Keane eyes as he's been handed £44m to blow willy-nilly. Diego Forlan, Steve Sidwell, Man United's Jonny Evans and Celtic winger Aidan McGready should just about do it.
Tottenham
Having come to the same conclusion as everyone else – namely that Samuel Eto'o isn't very good – Juande Ramos is dreaming of Nicolas Anelka and is willing to spend £15m to make it come true.
West Ham
Expect Derby's Giles Barnes to be squeezing into the claret and blue next term. But if he doesn't, don't blame the Mill, it's just a middle-man in all this.
Wigan
Just to prove that his signings for Birmingham weren't "rubbish", Steve Bruce is returning to St Andrew's to snap up £3m Olivier Kapo, a player he signed last summer.