Update: Del Piero Kills Capello
Channel4 News
August 12th, 2006
After a series of conflicting reports, Marca is reporting that the attack on Fabio Capello by Alessandro Del Piero has apparently taken the former Juventus coach's life. The news broke earlier this afternoon when Eurosport reported Del Piero attacked Capello by stating he treated senior players like children and did not give enough respect to the former Madrid and Juventus player Zinedine Zidane.
The attack on Capello by the Juventus captain struck hard into Capello's psyche as the former Roma manager reportedly had a brain malfunction after he realized he did not have enough defensive midfielders and Zlatan Ibrahimovic in his squad list.
"The man really loved Ibrahimovic and couldn't live without him," stated Emerson Ferreira. "It's like he depended on his package, which the team could use for fortenights long. Then after the Del Piero attacks, where Alessandro said Capello didn't like old players, he must have passed away because his old pinch face took offense to the old remarks."
Police found Capello's body in a Madrid apartment wearing a shirt that said "Delpie loves Candy Man" on the back enclosed with a big red heart. Unconfirmed sources say the shirt is in reference to how Del Piero and Zinedine Zidane should be together and Capello is the main reason for not allowing the relationship to happen.
"When go I saw came Candy Man to do Delpie kiss," said a Juventus fan named Sing Juve Sing. "They look like kiss goat pair, but come from inside Delpie is Crapello. He say Candy Man you headbutt. Delpie mad, slap Capello. Candy Man mad, eyes closed, headbutt Delpie. Capello stunned to death, he walk. Delpie Candy Man cry. So sad like China communism."
Capello's body is reportedly being shipped to Stockholm, Sweden, where the Ibrahimovic family will dine over the corpse for Zlatan's 25th birthday.
In other news, Zinedine Zidane says he wants to headbutt Hezbollah and the IDF for their attacks on each other. The former French international reportedly was seen placing his head on a world atlas screaming, "Candy Man hate you."