Computer humor (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Good one Bes 
This thread has been buried for too long. An oldie but goodie:
From [email protected] Fri Jul 5 18:34:35 EDT 1996
Article: 145 of comp.security.announce
Path: ai-lab!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!ncar!imci4
!newsfeed.internetmci.com!usenet.eel.ufl.edu
!warwick!news.herts.ac.uk!usenet
From: CERT Bulletin <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: comp.security.announce,rec.humor
Subject: CERT Advisory CA-96.13 - Alien/OS Vulnerability
Date: 4 July 1996 20:52:15 GMT
Organization: CERT(sm) Coordination Center - +1 412-268-7090
Lines: 138
Approved: [email protected]
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.252.173.198
Keywords: security CERT
Originator: [email protected]
Originator: [email protected]
Xref: ai-lab comp.security.announce:145 rec.humor:192553
=============================================================================
CERT(sm) Advisory CA-96.13
July 4, 1996
Topic: ID4 virus, Alien/OS Vulnerability
- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The CERT Coordination Center has received reports of weaknesses in
Alien/OS that can allow species with primitive information sciences
technology to initiate denial-of-service attacks against MotherShip(tm)
hosts. One report of exploitation of this bug has been received.
When attempting takeover of planets inhabited by such races, a trojan
horse attack is possible that permits local access to the MotherShip
host, enabling the implantation of executable code with full root access
to mission-critical security features of the operating system.
The vulnerability exists in versions of EvilAliens' Alien/OS 34762.12.1
or later, and all versions of Microsoft's Windows/95. CERT advises
against initiating further planet takeover actions until patches
are available from these vendors. If planet takeover is absolutely
necessary, CERT advises that affected sites apply the workarounds as
specified below.
As we receive additional information relating to this advisory, we will
place it in
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/cert_advisories/CA-96.13.README
We encourage you to check our README files regularly for updates on
advisories that relate to your site.
- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Description
Alien/OS contains a security vulnerability, which strangely enough
can be exploited by a primitive race running Windows/95. Although
Alien/OS has been extensively field tested over millions of years by
EvilAliens, Inc., the bug was only recently discovered during a
routine invasion of a backwater planet. EvilAliens notes that
the operating system had never before been tested against a race
with "such a kick-ass president."
The vulnerability allows the insertion of executable code with
root access to key security features of the operating system. In
particular, such code can disable the NiftyGreenShield (tm)
subsystem, allowing child processes to be terminated by unauthorized
users.
Additionally, Alien/OS networking protocols can provide a
low-bandwidth covert timing channel to a determined attacker.
II. Impact
Non-privileged primitive users can cause the total destruction of
your entire invasion fleet and gain unauthorized access to
files.
III. Solution
EvilAliens has supplied a workaround and a patch, as follows:
A. Workaround
To prevent unauthorized insertion of executables, install a
firewall to selectively vaporize incoming packets that do not
contain valid aliens. Also, disable the "Java" option in
Netscape.
To eliminate the covert timing channel, remove untrusted
hosts from routing tables. As tempting as it is, do not use
target species' own satellites against them.
B. Patch
As root, install the "evil" package from the distribution tape.
(Optionally) save a copy of the existing /usr/bin/sendmail and
modify its permission to prevent misuse.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The CERT Coordination Center thanks Jeff Goldblum and Fjkxdtssss for
providing information for this advisory.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you believe that your system has been compromised, contact the CERT
Coordination Center or your representative in the Forum of Incident
Response and Security Teams (FIRST).
We strongly urge you to encrypt any sensitive information you send by email.
The CERT Coordination Center can support a shared DES key and PGP. Contact the
CERT staff for more information.
Location of CERT PGP key
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/CERT_PGP.key
CERT Contact Information
- ------------------------
Email [email protected]
Phone +1 412-268-7090 (24-hour hotline)
CERT personnel answer 8:30-5:00 p.m. EST
(GMT-5)/EDT(GMT-4), and are on call for
emergencies during other hours.
Fax +1 412-268-6989
Postal address
CERT Coordination Center
Software Engineering Institute
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh PA 15213-3890
USA
CERT publications, information about FIRST representatives, and other
security-related information are available for anonymous FTP from
http://www.cert.org/
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/
CERT advisories and bulletins are also posted on the USENET newsgroup
comp.security.announce
To be added to our mailing list for CERT advisories and bulletins, send your
email address to
[email protected]
Copyright 1996 Carnegie Mellon University
This material may be reproduced and distributed without permission provided it
is used for noncommercial purposes and the copyright statement is included.
CERT is a service mark of Carnegie Mellon University.
From [email protected] Fri Jul 5 18:34:35 EDT 1996
Article: 145 of comp.security.announce
Path: ai-lab!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!ncar!imci4
!newsfeed.internetmci.com!usenet.eel.ufl.edu
!warwick!news.herts.ac.uk!usenet
From: CERT Bulletin <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: comp.security.announce,rec.humor
Subject: CERT Advisory CA-96.13 - Alien/OS Vulnerability
Date: 4 July 1996 20:52:15 GMT
Organization: CERT(sm) Coordination Center - +1 412-268-7090
Lines: 138
Approved: [email protected]
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.252.173.198
Keywords: security CERT
Originator: [email protected]
Originator: [email protected]
Xref: ai-lab comp.security.announce:145 rec.humor:192553
=============================================================================
CERT(sm) Advisory CA-96.13
July 4, 1996
Topic: ID4 virus, Alien/OS Vulnerability
- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The CERT Coordination Center has received reports of weaknesses in
Alien/OS that can allow species with primitive information sciences
technology to initiate denial-of-service attacks against MotherShip(tm)
hosts. One report of exploitation of this bug has been received.
When attempting takeover of planets inhabited by such races, a trojan
horse attack is possible that permits local access to the MotherShip
host, enabling the implantation of executable code with full root access
to mission-critical security features of the operating system.
The vulnerability exists in versions of EvilAliens' Alien/OS 34762.12.1
or later, and all versions of Microsoft's Windows/95. CERT advises
against initiating further planet takeover actions until patches
are available from these vendors. If planet takeover is absolutely
necessary, CERT advises that affected sites apply the workarounds as
specified below.
As we receive additional information relating to this advisory, we will
place it in
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/cert_advisories/CA-96.13.README
We encourage you to check our README files regularly for updates on
advisories that relate to your site.
- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Description
Alien/OS contains a security vulnerability, which strangely enough
can be exploited by a primitive race running Windows/95. Although
Alien/OS has been extensively field tested over millions of years by
EvilAliens, Inc., the bug was only recently discovered during a
routine invasion of a backwater planet. EvilAliens notes that
the operating system had never before been tested against a race
with "such a kick-ass president."
The vulnerability allows the insertion of executable code with
root access to key security features of the operating system. In
particular, such code can disable the NiftyGreenShield (tm)
subsystem, allowing child processes to be terminated by unauthorized
users.
Additionally, Alien/OS networking protocols can provide a
low-bandwidth covert timing channel to a determined attacker.
II. Impact
Non-privileged primitive users can cause the total destruction of
your entire invasion fleet and gain unauthorized access to
files.
III. Solution
EvilAliens has supplied a workaround and a patch, as follows:
A. Workaround
To prevent unauthorized insertion of executables, install a
firewall to selectively vaporize incoming packets that do not
contain valid aliens. Also, disable the "Java" option in
Netscape.
To eliminate the covert timing channel, remove untrusted
hosts from routing tables. As tempting as it is, do not use
target species' own satellites against them.
B. Patch
As root, install the "evil" package from the distribution tape.
(Optionally) save a copy of the existing /usr/bin/sendmail and
modify its permission to prevent misuse.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The CERT Coordination Center thanks Jeff Goldblum and Fjkxdtssss for
providing information for this advisory.
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you believe that your system has been compromised, contact the CERT
Coordination Center or your representative in the Forum of Incident
Response and Security Teams (FIRST).
We strongly urge you to encrypt any sensitive information you send by email.
The CERT Coordination Center can support a shared DES key and PGP. Contact the
CERT staff for more information.
Location of CERT PGP key
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/CERT_PGP.key
CERT Contact Information
- ------------------------
Email [email protected]
Phone +1 412-268-7090 (24-hour hotline)
CERT personnel answer 8:30-5:00 p.m. EST
(GMT-5)/EDT(GMT-4), and are on call for
emergencies during other hours.
Fax +1 412-268-6989
Postal address
CERT Coordination Center
Software Engineering Institute
Carnegie Mellon University
Pittsburgh PA 15213-3890
USA
CERT publications, information about FIRST representatives, and other
security-related information are available for anonymous FTP from
http://www.cert.org/
ftp://info.cert.org/pub/
CERT advisories and bulletins are also posted on the USENET newsgroup
comp.security.announce
To be added to our mailing list for CERT advisories and bulletins, send your
email address to
[email protected]
Copyright 1996 Carnegie Mellon University
This material may be reproduced and distributed without permission provided it
is used for noncommercial purposes and the copyright statement is included.
CERT is a service mark of Carnegie Mellon University.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They've declared "darkness" a standard.
------------
Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer
10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
-------
The Use of Computers in Movies
* Word processors never display a cursor.
* You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
* All monitors display inch-high letters.
* The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
* Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).
* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
* The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)
* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
* Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.
* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)
* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
* Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).
* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
* When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
* If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.
* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.
* Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.
* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).
* Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.
* One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).
* The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)
* Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).
* You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).
------
Hidden Settings in MS Office 2000
The following hidden settings dialog was found in MS Office 2000:
Ah, that explains it.
----------
Microsoft Tech Support Saves the Day
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
-------
Bill Gates in Afterlife
Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
--------
Star Trek: Lost Episode Transcript
What kind of computer site would this be without at least one Star Trek reference?
(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"
(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"
(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
(Picard) "Identify."
(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"
(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."
(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."
(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
--------
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
None. They've declared "darkness" a standard.
------------
Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer
10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
-------
The Use of Computers in Movies
* Word processors never display a cursor.
* You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
* All monitors display inch-high letters.
* The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
* Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).
* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
* The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)
* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
* Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.
* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)
* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
* Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).
* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
* When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
* If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.
* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.
* Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.
* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).
* Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.
* One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).
* The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)
* Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).
* You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).
------
Hidden Settings in MS Office 2000
The following hidden settings dialog was found in MS Office 2000:
Ah, that explains it.
----------
Microsoft Tech Support Saves the Day
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
-------
Bill Gates in Afterlife
Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
--------
Star Trek: Lost Episode Transcript
What kind of computer site would this be without at least one Star Trek reference?
(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"
(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"
(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
(Picard) "Identify."
(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"
(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."
(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."
(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
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Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
