what do you think about my poems (1 Viewer)

Sep 20, 2003
27
#1
take a look at my own poems ..I've been writing poems for about three years and rhis is my fourth year..I want to know what do you think about them..:D
please be honest:angel:


and please ..If you have any nice ideas..tell me..okay?

this is a poem I wrote today when I was coming to college



he touched the scar..
that was on his cheek..
things went too far..
but now it's over,now he's not weak..

how can he forget that day..
when his mother burned his arm..
she never cared about him anyway..
because she thinks he's a harm..

she tried to hurt,kill,torture..
do anything to make him disappear..
to make him vanish, that's her will..
because of that,she's his fear..

now all he owns is his family..
after his mother died..
his wife and children are living happily..
now,and finally,he doesn't have to hide..



thank you and I'll try to send more poems as soon as possible
 

€lke

Senior Member
Dec 22, 2002
2,246
#2
++ [ originally posted by dolce angelo ] ++
take a look at my own poems ..I've been writing poems for about three years and rhis is my fourth year..I want to know what do you think about them..:D
please be honest:angel:


and please ..If you have any nice ideas..tell me..okay?

this is a poem I wrote today when I was coming to college



he touched the scar..
that was on his cheek..
things went too far..
but now it's over,now he's not weak..

how can he forget that day..
when his mother burned his arm..
she never cared about him anyway..
because she thinks he's a harm..

she tried to hurt,kill,torture..
do anything to make him disappear..
to make him vanish, that's her will..
because of that,she's his fear..

now all he owns is his family..
after his mother died..
his wife and children are living happily..
now,and finally,he doesn't have to hide..



thank you and I'll try to send more poems as soon as possible
Wow it's great, really!! Nice!

You wrote it in a few minutes? I have to think years about such things! :D It's a great poem angelo thx :D
 

AnnA

Senior Member
May 14, 2003
2,469
#4
Hey, great poem!!! I have many too, but they are on Croatian, so.... I don`t feel like acting a translator.... :)

And really, the poem is :thumb:!
 

€lke

Senior Member
Dec 22, 2002
2,246
#6
++ [ originally posted by Co0l-GiRl ] ++
Wo0oW :eek: Great One dolce angelo ... I like it :touched:

I wish I can write something as good as this :(
me too sarah, me too....

Sometimes i write poems, but never as good as this one :down: and i also have to think years to write down sth :s
 

Co0l-GiRl

Senior Member
Mar 22, 2003
726
#7
++ [ originally posted by €lke ] ++


me too sarah, me too....

Sometimes i write poems, but never as good as this one :down: and i also have to think years to write down sth :s
:LOL:

So we have the same problem :(
 

Torkel

f(s+1)=3((s +1)-1=3s
Jul 12, 2002
3,537
#9
++ [ originally posted by dolce angelo ] ++
he touched the scar..
that was on his cheek..
things went too far..
but now it's over,now he's not weak..

how can he forget that day..
when his mother burned his arm..
she never cared about him anyway..
because she thinks he's a harm..

she tried to hurt,kill,torture..
do anything to make him disappear..
to make him vanish, that's her will..
because of that,she's his fear..

now all he owns is his family..
after his mother died..
his wife and children are living happily..
now,and finally,he doesn't have to hide..
If I'm going to be honest; I don't like it that much. I don't like how you end each sentence with the ".."'s, and it's too straightforward. Try using more imagery, try to be more subtle and maybe spice up the structure a bit :) .
 

Layce Erayce

Senior Member
Aug 11, 2002
9,116
#10
wow. dolce this is deep its beautiful. the english may not be perfect but its amazing...

it might be better if you focus on a description. like take a stanza to describe the scar. and start from there- sort of like a camera shot in the intro of a movie...
 

Zlatan

Senior Member
Jun 9, 2003
23,029
#12
You said ideas, so :angel:


he touched the scar..
carved in his cheek..
things went too far..
but now it's over,
now he's not weak..

how to forget that day..
when mother burned his arm..
she never cared about him anyway..
her child she tried to harm..

she tried to hurt,kill,torture..
do anything to make him disappear..
to make him vanish, that's her will..
that made her his only fear..

now all he has is his family..
after his mother died..
his wife and children are living happily..
he finally doesn't have to hide..


Maybe its a bit better? :undecide:

Anyways, just trying to help :)
 

Layce Erayce

Senior Member
Aug 11, 2002
9,116
#17
no changes are not bad. its just that the end product must have a certain flow and familiarity to it.

personally i write poetry for myself not for others. i might do so in the future. but i feel a sense of familiarity when i read my own words.

when im reading someone elses im absorbing it and trying to understand and feel it.

i dunno its a weird topic :D
 

€lke

Senior Member
Dec 22, 2002
2,246
#19
++ [ originally posted by G_O_A_T ] ++
You said ideas, so :angel:


he touched the scar..
carved in his cheek..
things went too far..
but now it's over,
now he's not weak..

how to forget that day..
when mother burned his arm..
she never cared about him anyway..
her child she tried to harm..

she tried to hurt,kill,torture..
do anything to make him disappear..
to make him vanish, that's her will..
that made her his only fear..

now all he has is his family..
after his mother died..
his wife and children are living happily..
he finally doesn't have to hide..


Maybe its a bit better? :undecide:

Anyways, just trying to help :)
hey goat!! don't change it :D I know you just want to help, but now it's not the 'original' anymore....dolce's poem was just great so don't change it :D ;)
 

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