I realized that:
You have never known a girl until you spend weeks with her 24 / 7. You see her in the morning and you see her when she is pissed off and when she isn't feeling so good. You learn to understand the things that bother her and know when to say encouraging things and when to just shut up and listen to her. You get used to her habits, you work your days around her schedule and try to make sure you are there for her at all the times she needs you most. You begin to feel delight at every little accomplishment she makes in life... every little step that makes her happy. You realise what it is to share yourself completely with another person and the responsibility that comes with that... realising that every decision you make has an affect on her as much as it does on you. Then one day you get really pissed off with her. You hurt your hand badly because the physical pain brought you some relief from the mental anguish. Then you really begin to bleed. Inside... in a way no doctor can see.... no one can help you and no one understands... and even if they did they would only hate you more! So you hurt her again and again and you hate the crunching sound of the hammer on her soft skull but you can't stop... each strike is like a bite into something... something you need and have been longing for... it feels like freedom even though you know everytime her blood spatters on your face... it's a path you can't turn around on.
Then you fuck her in a pile of her own puke and piss and blood!