Let's start on a light note, with a few jokes:
The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from New York state:
RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put them on the rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front bumpers.
======================
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be changed,
2. one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the lightbulb needs to be changed,
3. one to blame Clinton for burning out the lightbulb,
4. one to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the lightbulb or for darkness,
5. one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new lightbulb,
6. one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Lightbulb Change Accomplished",
7. one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark",
8. one to viciously smear #7,
9. one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
10. and finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
===================
The Top 15 George W. Bush Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See
15> Elect Bush: Vote Nader
14> You Wouldn't Want to Piss Off John Ashcroft, Would You?
13> Vote Bush -- or Condoleezza Will Come and Spank You!
12> Behind the Curtain... Halliburton!
11> Not Smart Enough to Lie
10> Force-Feeding Democracy to the World, One Nation at a Time
9> Last Time, I Was Just Stupid; This Time, I'm Evil as Well!
8> Leading Kerry in All Alphabetized Polls
7> Give Me Four More Years and I'll Find You Some Damned WMDs Somewhere
6> Stick It to Frenchie, BIG TIME!
5> Mission Accom-- Hey, Look, the NCAA Tourney Is On!
4> Vote for Bush! Or Don't, and I'll Just Have the Supreme Court Take Care of It Again.
3> Tax and Spend -- Without The Tax!
2> C'mon Guys, Don'tcha Want a Boss, *****in', Supercool Moon Base?!?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 George W. Bush Campaign Slogan We'd Like to See...
1> Vote Bush: It's a No-Brainer!
=======================
We have a new chaplain in the Senate, and a tour came through the other day. They asked him a lot of questions about being chaplain, and one person turned to him and asked: "When you open the Senate with prayer each morning, do you look out at the senators and pray for them?"
The chaplain didn't lose a beat -- he said, "No, actually, I look out at all those senators and I pray for the country."
================
Dubya Goes To Hell
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts! him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants."
They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on lobster and caviar. The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and ! not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil. &nb sp; Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even tr! eated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified! to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picki ng up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
Discuss.
The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from New York state:
RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put them on the rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front bumpers.
======================
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be changed,
2. one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the lightbulb needs to be changed,
3. one to blame Clinton for burning out the lightbulb,
4. one to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the lightbulb or for darkness,
5. one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new lightbulb,
6. one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Lightbulb Change Accomplished",
7. one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark",
8. one to viciously smear #7,
9. one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
10. and finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
===================
The Top 15 George W. Bush Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See
15> Elect Bush: Vote Nader
14> You Wouldn't Want to Piss Off John Ashcroft, Would You?
13> Vote Bush -- or Condoleezza Will Come and Spank You!
12> Behind the Curtain... Halliburton!
11> Not Smart Enough to Lie
10> Force-Feeding Democracy to the World, One Nation at a Time
9> Last Time, I Was Just Stupid; This Time, I'm Evil as Well!
8> Leading Kerry in All Alphabetized Polls
7> Give Me Four More Years and I'll Find You Some Damned WMDs Somewhere
6> Stick It to Frenchie, BIG TIME!
5> Mission Accom-- Hey, Look, the NCAA Tourney Is On!
4> Vote for Bush! Or Don't, and I'll Just Have the Supreme Court Take Care of It Again.
3> Tax and Spend -- Without The Tax!
2> C'mon Guys, Don'tcha Want a Boss, *****in', Supercool Moon Base?!?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 George W. Bush Campaign Slogan We'd Like to See...
1> Vote Bush: It's a No-Brainer!
=======================
We have a new chaplain in the Senate, and a tour came through the other day. They asked him a lot of questions about being chaplain, and one person turned to him and asked: "When you open the Senate with prayer each morning, do you look out at the senators and pray for them?"
The chaplain didn't lose a beat -- he said, "No, actually, I look out at all those senators and I pray for the country."
================
Dubya Goes To Hell
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts! him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants."
They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on lobster and caviar. The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and ! not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil. &nb sp; Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even tr! eated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified! to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picki ng up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
Discuss.
Buy on AliExpress.com
