- Jack Bauer is the 'I' in team.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
- If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he tortures them until they give up all their information.
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
- It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack Bauer played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
- If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
- If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
- It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- There is no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
- If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
- When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
- Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
- Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a pussy.
- Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.
- The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.
- Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
- After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
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good stuff mikhail!
