Poulsen Wages Linked to Stock, Housing Decline
The Financial Times
August 12, 2010
A Turkish Economist from the Department of Uniform Nationalistic Comparative Economics (DUNCE) of Turkey's Finance Ministry has linked the wages of former Juventus player Christian Poulsen to the global financial crisis.
Dr. Turk Bianconero has written a report demonstrating that since Juventus signed Poulsen from Sevilla, global stock markets have fallen on average 20%, while shortly after the signing, the Dow Jones Industrial Average lost over 30% of its value in Fall 2008. While in housing, the signing was blamed for a 25% collapse in median home prices in the United States.
"All you need to do is look at the charts," wrote Dr. Turk. "Clearly, the Poulsen wages put so much strain on the financial system in the form of wage inflation that banks could no longer pay their obligations. Credit Default Swaps went through the roof and went unpaid, now banks are struggling to survive in spite of the bailout fund established in response to Poulsen's wages."
The Troubled Asset Relief Program developed under President Bush was implemented to purchase toxic assets from American banks in response to the subprime mortgage crisis. But Dr. Turk believes the program was meant for not only American banks, but also football clubs.
"TARP was supposed to be for football clubs, too. Juventus needed a bailout, but the stupid pig Americans sent money to their buddies instead, like the Jew banks. Now Juventus, the world population, and the average investor has suffered greatly because of these inflated wages.
"I hope one day the average Muslim can recoup these losses in their 401K and their mortgages, but if Poulsen moves to Liverpool with these inflated wages, the world economy will see the Greatest Depression and civil unrest will ensue."
The Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 2.8% of its value in Wednesday trading, the day before Poulsen officially signed for Liverpool. It is thought that the action in equities marks a capitulation trade in which the worst of Poulsen's effect on the global economy may be over.
"Poulsen's wages is an economic 9/11, where he piloted an aircraft right into the Stadio Delle Alpi," Turk concluded.
FT