This article came out this morning in a Nigerian paper. It's a satire about the way politics was done in Nigeria until recently (hopefully), a situation where the person with the fattest pockets gets the office after paying enough bribes.
My hands are numb!
"I hear Baba travelled to attend the Pope's burial"
"That's okay. About 100 world leaders attended the burial. It is good that Nigeria was represented. Don't forget that we have the largest population of Catholics in the whole of Africa. We are a big nation of Catholics."
"We are a secular nation. And our President is a Baptist."
"The President didn't go to Rome as a Baptist. He went there as a leader, leader of Nigeria and chairman of the African Union. And what has been secular got to do with it? The Pope was the leader of a transnational community of 1. 1 billion people. I don't see what you are trying to say."
"But let me tell you that I heard something slightly different."
"What is that?"
"You know one of the persons being considered for election as the next Pope is a Nigerian, Francis Cardinal Arinze"
"So?"
"I hear President Obasanjo's presence at the Pope's burial was a strategic move. It would send the signal that Cardinal Arinze's country is behind him. We cannot have a candidate within a short distance of becoming Pope and Nigeria will not be seen to be solidly behind him"
"Oh, come on. I don't get your point. The appointment of a Pope is not the same as the office of the UN Secretary-General or a permanent seat at the United Nations. It has nothing to do with Obasanjo going to Rome or not. This is a religious thing. It is spiritual."
"But you will agree with me that there is politics in the church too."
"There is politics everywhere."
"I am told that President Obasanjo even met with Cardinal Arinze. What do you call that? I think he wanted him to know that Nigeria is behind him, and that we are praying for him."
"The man does not need your prayers to become Pope."
"But if he becomes Pope, will he change his country? I am telling you what I know and you are trying to dismiss it. Look at the late Pope. His country, Poland, never missed an opportunity to remind the whole world that he is from Poland. They played a special role at his burial. The whole of Poland claimed Pope John Paul II as their own. During the burial they waved the Polish flag and chanted "Santo Santo, Santo Subito"
"Okay, why don't we wait till Cardinal Arinze becomes Pope before we all start getting worked up".
"Nobody waits in politics. You have to get involved very early."
"Except that you are dealing with the Catholic church at the highest level. The Catholic Church is an old, well-established institution with rock solid traditions."
"I know, but the Pope is usually elected. There will be an election by a body of Cardinals. Those Cardinals, they are human beings."
"The election of a Pope is not your kind of election. It is done in utmost secrecy. The Cardinals are kept in seclusion. They are not allowed to read newspapers, watch television or have any contact with the outside world. They are also under oath never to reveal whatever happens at the Sistine Chapel."
"But I asked you earlier whether they are human beings."
"Yes, they are human beings"
"Is it also the truth that a Nigerian is one of the top contenders for the office of the Pope?"
"Yes. But I don't see..."
"Do you remember what happened when the Celestial Church was trying..."
"You can't compare the Catholic Church and the Celestial Church, please..."
"Okay. Okay."
"Don't compare apples and oranges."
"But do you know what I know?"
"I don't know"
"What I know is that some Nigerians are already putting something together to help Cardinal Arinze. A kind of "Friends of Cardinal Arinze", "Nigerian Youths Earnestly Ask for Arinze as Pope"; "Arinze 2005". The group will soon be leaving for Rome. In fact, they had representatives at the burial of Pope John Paul II. They were responsible for the waving of the Nigerian flag at the burial. As the Poles waved the Polish flag, Nigerians also waved the Nigerian flag. The old and the new"
"Tell me something. Is this a Catholic initiative or a Nigerian invention?"
"It is a multicultural and pluralistic thing. It is made up of Nigerians: Christians, Moslems, herbalists, whatever. They are already raising funds quietly, and they have appointed a Mr-Fix-It who will liaise with the Federal Government, work out necessary logistics and take care of things at the Vatican."
"How?"
"What do you mean how? The money they are raising, what do you think they will do with it? We are talking of dollars, good money."
"The office of the Pope is not for the highest bidder. Men of God do not play your kind of politics"
"That is what they always say, but they have never had a Nigerian candidate at the Vatican. Do you know what it would mean to have a Nigerian as Pontiff of the Catholic Church? He will put Nigeria on the map forever. He will be the most important Nigerian alive. We have won the Nobel, the Pulitzer, at least three Nigerians are among the most brilliant scientists in the world. Nigerians have been nominated for the Oscar and just about any other important position in the world, a Nigerian Fr. Tansi was beatified by this same Pope that has just died. Do you know what it means if Nigeria also gives the world a Pope? Our biggest asset in this country is our human resource. We must never joke with that."
"So is that why you want to take Ghana-Must-Go to the Vatican?"
"See, the group that is working on this Pope matter has a two-part strategy. The first part is to get Cardinal Arinze elected. The second part is the celebration when he gets there. We will hold parties from Lagos to Borno."
"We?"
"Yes, we"
"Do you know what I know?"
"What?"
"I think some people are planning to use Cardinal Arinze's name to do 419. The Catholic Church of Nigeria may have to issue a statement to educate the Nigerian public about how a new Pope is selected. People have to be told not to contribute money to lobby anybody to make a Nigerian the next Pope. It is not done. And the Catholic Church needs to move fast. I am now convinced that there is no limit to Nigerian creativity."
"I don't know what you are talking about. The problem with us in this country is that we always like to put ourselves down. You are talking about 419. Is Italy not the home of the Mafia? The biggest crooks in the world are in Italy; I have not heard anyone saying that they pose a threat to the holiness of the Vatican City."
"I know what I am saying. If Cardinal Arinze becomes the next Pope, the Vatican may have to create a special anti-fraud desk to make sure that the Pope's countrymen do not start using his name to defraud people and institutions."
"You are putting down your own people."
"I foresee a situation where all kinds of persons will now start bearing the name Arinze. They will build a visa market around the name. If you are a visa officer in an embassy and somebody comes along saying he is a relation of the Pope, and he presents papers showing that he or she is indeed Arinze, what can you do?"
"You are oversimplifying this thing."
"You'd be surprised that more Nigerian prostitutes will show up in Italy. If they are arrested, they will simply invoke the name of the Pope. Can you imagine a police officer being told that he is planning to arrest the Pope's niece?"
"If that happens, so what? The next Pope will have to lead a church of the poor. The church must defend the interest of the poor, and the majority is in Africa and Latin America, the two main strongholds of the Catholic Church."
"Anyway, you don't have to worry yourself. I don't think the Catholic church is ready yet for a Black Pope."
"You can't be too sure"
"The Pope must speak many languages."
"Yes. Cardinal Arinze does. He speaks English and Igbo".
"The Pope must be a media personality"
"A black Pope is an original media personality. You can't be more original than that."
"I see you are determined."
"In fact, we are ready to settle the Cardinals with interest"
"With interest?"
"It is the Wabara option. When you want to bribe a man and you delay a little, he collects interest on top of the principal sum. That is Wabara's legacy. I think it is a very original contribution."
"I hear the man who disclosed this is a government agent in the Senate"
"Let him be the devil's agent. He was telling the truth, that is what is important."
"President Obasanjo is going to get tired of catching thieves."
"He knows what he is doing."
"He has sacked Mrs Osomo. But what is he going to do about his wife, Stella Obasanjo?"
"Do you want him to sack his wife? He has cancelled the allocations of the houses, and I don't think either Stella or the Abebes should ever be allowed to buy any government houses, at least while Obasanjo is President."
"I hear all those Ministers and Special Advisers have been phoning Osomo to apologise for sacrificing her. They all denied ever applying for any house."
"That is Nigeria for you. But the one thing that I do not understand is the termination of the appointment of Onukaba Adinoyi-Ojo, the Special Adviser (Media) to the Vice-President. It was thoroughly pointless."
"It is a case of when two elephants fight. Onukaba's offence is that he issued a statement defending his boss, the VP. He was doing his job. He didn't abuse anybody. He simply said that the VP never applied for any house, and that the VP supports the President's action on the Ikoyi houses, and in fact initiated it. But they say he should not have spoken after the President had spoken."
"I suspect that the President may be targeting the Vice President. You know the two of them are not on good terms. One of these days, we may wake up and hear that the Vice President has been arrested."
"That is not likely."
"Don't bet on it. If the Vice President loses his media man, in fact this is the third media manager that he has lost just because the President is unhappy, Garba Shehu, Adeolu Akande and now Onukaba, what does that tell you? The day the President is ready to move against him, he will be alone. Something tells me the President intends to make a point about loyalty to the Vice President. When last did you hear anybody talking of Obasanjo /Atiku Presidency. This is effectively an Obasanjo Presidency. Baba is leaving nobody in any doubt about that."
"You may be right"
"Oh, you watch and see. I have this feeling things are going to get very interesting very soon"
"They should just be careful. All these gra gra dey make person fear oh."
"That's okay. About 100 world leaders attended the burial. It is good that Nigeria was represented. Don't forget that we have the largest population of Catholics in the whole of Africa. We are a big nation of Catholics."
"We are a secular nation. And our President is a Baptist."
"The President didn't go to Rome as a Baptist. He went there as a leader, leader of Nigeria and chairman of the African Union. And what has been secular got to do with it? The Pope was the leader of a transnational community of 1. 1 billion people. I don't see what you are trying to say."
"But let me tell you that I heard something slightly different."
"What is that?"
"You know one of the persons being considered for election as the next Pope is a Nigerian, Francis Cardinal Arinze"
"So?"
"I hear President Obasanjo's presence at the Pope's burial was a strategic move. It would send the signal that Cardinal Arinze's country is behind him. We cannot have a candidate within a short distance of becoming Pope and Nigeria will not be seen to be solidly behind him"
"Oh, come on. I don't get your point. The appointment of a Pope is not the same as the office of the UN Secretary-General or a permanent seat at the United Nations. It has nothing to do with Obasanjo going to Rome or not. This is a religious thing. It is spiritual."
"But you will agree with me that there is politics in the church too."
"There is politics everywhere."
"I am told that President Obasanjo even met with Cardinal Arinze. What do you call that? I think he wanted him to know that Nigeria is behind him, and that we are praying for him."
"The man does not need your prayers to become Pope."
"But if he becomes Pope, will he change his country? I am telling you what I know and you are trying to dismiss it. Look at the late Pope. His country, Poland, never missed an opportunity to remind the whole world that he is from Poland. They played a special role at his burial. The whole of Poland claimed Pope John Paul II as their own. During the burial they waved the Polish flag and chanted "Santo Santo, Santo Subito"
"Okay, why don't we wait till Cardinal Arinze becomes Pope before we all start getting worked up".
"Nobody waits in politics. You have to get involved very early."
"Except that you are dealing with the Catholic church at the highest level. The Catholic Church is an old, well-established institution with rock solid traditions."
"I know, but the Pope is usually elected. There will be an election by a body of Cardinals. Those Cardinals, they are human beings."
"The election of a Pope is not your kind of election. It is done in utmost secrecy. The Cardinals are kept in seclusion. They are not allowed to read newspapers, watch television or have any contact with the outside world. They are also under oath never to reveal whatever happens at the Sistine Chapel."
"But I asked you earlier whether they are human beings."
"Yes, they are human beings"
"Is it also the truth that a Nigerian is one of the top contenders for the office of the Pope?"
"Yes. But I don't see..."
"Do you remember what happened when the Celestial Church was trying..."
"You can't compare the Catholic Church and the Celestial Church, please..."
"Okay. Okay."
"Don't compare apples and oranges."
"But do you know what I know?"
"I don't know"
"What I know is that some Nigerians are already putting something together to help Cardinal Arinze. A kind of "Friends of Cardinal Arinze", "Nigerian Youths Earnestly Ask for Arinze as Pope"; "Arinze 2005". The group will soon be leaving for Rome. In fact, they had representatives at the burial of Pope John Paul II. They were responsible for the waving of the Nigerian flag at the burial. As the Poles waved the Polish flag, Nigerians also waved the Nigerian flag. The old and the new"
"Tell me something. Is this a Catholic initiative or a Nigerian invention?"
"It is a multicultural and pluralistic thing. It is made up of Nigerians: Christians, Moslems, herbalists, whatever. They are already raising funds quietly, and they have appointed a Mr-Fix-It who will liaise with the Federal Government, work out necessary logistics and take care of things at the Vatican."
"How?"
"What do you mean how? The money they are raising, what do you think they will do with it? We are talking of dollars, good money."
"The office of the Pope is not for the highest bidder. Men of God do not play your kind of politics"
"That is what they always say, but they have never had a Nigerian candidate at the Vatican. Do you know what it would mean to have a Nigerian as Pontiff of the Catholic Church? He will put Nigeria on the map forever. He will be the most important Nigerian alive. We have won the Nobel, the Pulitzer, at least three Nigerians are among the most brilliant scientists in the world. Nigerians have been nominated for the Oscar and just about any other important position in the world, a Nigerian Fr. Tansi was beatified by this same Pope that has just died. Do you know what it means if Nigeria also gives the world a Pope? Our biggest asset in this country is our human resource. We must never joke with that."
"So is that why you want to take Ghana-Must-Go to the Vatican?"
"See, the group that is working on this Pope matter has a two-part strategy. The first part is to get Cardinal Arinze elected. The second part is the celebration when he gets there. We will hold parties from Lagos to Borno."
"We?"
"Yes, we"
"Do you know what I know?"
"What?"
"I think some people are planning to use Cardinal Arinze's name to do 419. The Catholic Church of Nigeria may have to issue a statement to educate the Nigerian public about how a new Pope is selected. People have to be told not to contribute money to lobby anybody to make a Nigerian the next Pope. It is not done. And the Catholic Church needs to move fast. I am now convinced that there is no limit to Nigerian creativity."
"I don't know what you are talking about. The problem with us in this country is that we always like to put ourselves down. You are talking about 419. Is Italy not the home of the Mafia? The biggest crooks in the world are in Italy; I have not heard anyone saying that they pose a threat to the holiness of the Vatican City."
"I know what I am saying. If Cardinal Arinze becomes the next Pope, the Vatican may have to create a special anti-fraud desk to make sure that the Pope's countrymen do not start using his name to defraud people and institutions."
"You are putting down your own people."
"I foresee a situation where all kinds of persons will now start bearing the name Arinze. They will build a visa market around the name. If you are a visa officer in an embassy and somebody comes along saying he is a relation of the Pope, and he presents papers showing that he or she is indeed Arinze, what can you do?"
"You are oversimplifying this thing."
"You'd be surprised that more Nigerian prostitutes will show up in Italy. If they are arrested, they will simply invoke the name of the Pope. Can you imagine a police officer being told that he is planning to arrest the Pope's niece?"
"If that happens, so what? The next Pope will have to lead a church of the poor. The church must defend the interest of the poor, and the majority is in Africa and Latin America, the two main strongholds of the Catholic Church."
"Anyway, you don't have to worry yourself. I don't think the Catholic church is ready yet for a Black Pope."
"You can't be too sure"
"The Pope must speak many languages."
"Yes. Cardinal Arinze does. He speaks English and Igbo".
"The Pope must be a media personality"
"A black Pope is an original media personality. You can't be more original than that."
"I see you are determined."
"In fact, we are ready to settle the Cardinals with interest"
"With interest?"
"It is the Wabara option. When you want to bribe a man and you delay a little, he collects interest on top of the principal sum. That is Wabara's legacy. I think it is a very original contribution."
"I hear the man who disclosed this is a government agent in the Senate"
"Let him be the devil's agent. He was telling the truth, that is what is important."
"President Obasanjo is going to get tired of catching thieves."
"He knows what he is doing."
"He has sacked Mrs Osomo. But what is he going to do about his wife, Stella Obasanjo?"
"Do you want him to sack his wife? He has cancelled the allocations of the houses, and I don't think either Stella or the Abebes should ever be allowed to buy any government houses, at least while Obasanjo is President."
"I hear all those Ministers and Special Advisers have been phoning Osomo to apologise for sacrificing her. They all denied ever applying for any house."
"That is Nigeria for you. But the one thing that I do not understand is the termination of the appointment of Onukaba Adinoyi-Ojo, the Special Adviser (Media) to the Vice-President. It was thoroughly pointless."
"It is a case of when two elephants fight. Onukaba's offence is that he issued a statement defending his boss, the VP. He was doing his job. He didn't abuse anybody. He simply said that the VP never applied for any house, and that the VP supports the President's action on the Ikoyi houses, and in fact initiated it. But they say he should not have spoken after the President had spoken."
"I suspect that the President may be targeting the Vice President. You know the two of them are not on good terms. One of these days, we may wake up and hear that the Vice President has been arrested."
"That is not likely."
"Don't bet on it. If the Vice President loses his media man, in fact this is the third media manager that he has lost just because the President is unhappy, Garba Shehu, Adeolu Akande and now Onukaba, what does that tell you? The day the President is ready to move against him, he will be alone. Something tells me the President intends to make a point about loyalty to the Vice President. When last did you hear anybody talking of Obasanjo /Atiku Presidency. This is effectively an Obasanjo Presidency. Baba is leaving nobody in any doubt about that."
"You may be right"
"Oh, you watch and see. I have this feeling things are going to get very interesting very soon"
"They should just be careful. All these gra gra dey make person fear oh."
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