I'm so sick I once shat in a coffee filter and drank what came out.
I'm so sick I once ate a doughnut and put my dick in a fire hydrant.
I'm so sick I once chewed tobacco in my sleep.
I'm so sick I once gave Mariano Rivera a hand job, while he was on the mound.
I'm so sick I once called Capello on the phone and beat off to his Italian...and I don't speak it.
I'm so sick I once took three nails and put them up my butt then asked why that shit hurt.
I'm so sick I once punched a guy in the face and took a dump on his chest while singing the National Anthem.
I'm so sick I once pulled my dick out while driving fast just to piss in my own face.
I'm so sick I once stole my dad's wallet just to tell him it was stolen, then return it to him 3 days later.
I'm so sick I once smoked a cigarette in my own house then put it out on my ass-ball connection.
I'm so sick I once ripped up a piece of paper and shoved it down my dogs throat just to go ahead and kick him for puking in the living room.
I'm so sick I once told Michael Vick he was a nice guy.
I'm so sick I once cut my finger off and walked in to a store to buy a finger then got angry at them for being out of fingers.
I'm so sick I once stole a mouse from a Microsoft store then told the police I was looking for my own mother.
I'm so sick I once called up the whole nation of Israel then told them happy Eid.
I'm so sick I once called up the whole nation of Palestine and asked if they needed more Minoras.
I'm so sick I once ate my own head and vomitted up my own ass.
I'm so sick I once choked Brittney Spears and asked her how her dad was.
I'm so sick I once fucked a child and called the cops to tell them I had been raped by a nine-year-old.
I'm so sick I once watched TV and asked Abe Lincoln in my sleep how his headache was.
I'm so sick I once shot a president in the foot and laughed telling him to vote for ME!
I'm so sick I once took scissors to my own dick and blamed my mother.
I'm so sick I once played a song about killing jews real loud in Berlin while yelling "FUCK GERMANY."
I'm so sick I once chewed bubble gum just to stretch it across my own testicles and show my grandma.
I'm so sick I once told Andy to fuc the girl he was then currently fucking....
I'm so sick I once read a dictionary and then threw it out the window of a moving car yelling "LEARN, ASSHOLE"
I'm so sick I once flipped off my dad, then cut his eye out with a spoon.
I'm so sick I once told the governor I voted for him, then got drunk and told him I really didn't.
I'm just a sick guy.....
