The world of football is going underpants crazy! If seeing Newcastle set-piece expert Laurent Robert celebrate his likely St James' Park departure by stripping off down to his cacks was not enough, vile outbursts of this twisted form of entertainment have been copied in leagues across Europe.
Robert has indeed set a dangerous trend of celebratory stripteasing which seems likely to soil the sport of all its decency.
PAOLO'S PACKAGE
This weekend saw two copycat perpetrators of huge proportions. The Laurent Lunchbox has become a veritable summer picnic hamper of moist goodies... How our parents' generation would be shocked!
First up was Inside Europe regular Paolo Di Canio, last gracing our pages with his memorable Nazi salute. Passionate Paolo had good reason to be happy on Sunday, with his treasured side Lazio's 1-1 draw against Fiorentina all but ensuring the Roman club's presence in the top-flight next year.
On this occasion, the generously tattooed veteran striker seemed to content himself with a rather tamer Roman salute, yet added extra shock value by doing so in the buff and flaunting his equally generous crown-jewels for good measure.
Take note of the Italian influence: our fashionable Mediterranean stunner wouldn't be seen dead in a loose grey number - as preferred by Frenchie Robert - and instead goes for the figure-hugging white model. Pure class.
But it does not end there. A thousand kilometres westward and a scene of alarming similarity was being replicated on the pitch of the Bessa stadium in Portugal after Benfica's 1-1 away draw against Boavista.
SABROSA'S SABRE
With the draw, Benfica clinched their 31st Portuguese Superliga title, and their first in 11 years. Such a riotous moment called for equally lavish celebrations, Benfica captain Simao Sabrosa, who opened the scoring from the spot after 38 minutes, knew only too well.
"Hmm..." he might have pondered, "what can I do to celebrate this landmark?"
"I know!" Sabrosa was then not heard to have thought. "How about I take off all my clothes like my friends Laurent and Paolo. You see, I've actually won something, not merely avoided relegation, so surely that really calls for putting some quality flesh on display..."
And so Simao duly obliged, whipping off his strip with all the agility of an atavistic Di Canio saluting his right-wing idols, and soon the Portuguese press were erecting their cameras, elongating their lenses and caressing their film.
This latest uncovering proved one thing: that the Benfica captain is statuesque in his fine build, cut and ripped like a Greek sculpture of the Dionysus period. Also, it ends the much thought-about question as to whether players' underwear is actually part of their team's strip.
In this case, the answer is clearly yes, with Sabrosa's white and red pants in line with his team Benfica's away-strip, and - if you look closely - the captain's very own squad number - 20 - adorning the elastic hem. I bet Paolo was jealous of that...
PATRICK'S DAY
Talking of scoring penalties and wearing underpants, Patrick Vieira is pretty adept at both activities. On Sunday, Arsenal's captain gave his club the most unlikely FA Cup win after he stroked home the final spot-kick in the tense shoot-out following the 0-0 draw against Manchester United.
The last time the Gunners grabbed a bit of silverware - back in April 2004 when they secured the Premiership at neighbours Tottenham - Vieira celebrated by - you guessed it! - stripping down to his bare minimums and doing a lap of honour around White Hart Lane.
The plot thickens, for this seems to put Big Pat - unsuggestively nicknamed La Grande Saucisse by his team-mates in the dressing room - as the original trend-setter of Y-Front exhibitionism.
Anyway, enough of all this pants, and on to something which was, rather surprisingly, not pants at all during Saturday's Cup final: Jens Lehmann's goalkeeping.
The German shot-stopper, so vilified over a tense Christmas period for the Gunners, was a true revelation in between the sticks at Cardiff, and was the only obstacle impeding United's deserved multi-goal rout of Arsenal.
LEMON ON THE MENU AGAIN
Two expert saves to deny a rampant Wayne Rooney - who rumour has it was wearing a pair of Jockey's underneath his shorts - and some excellent smothering from frequent United corners was topped off with the German's penalty shoot-out save from Paul Scholes.
Jens' moment of glory did more than to add to an already long list of German victories over English opposition at penalties; it gave the usually calamitous Jens the true belief that he will be Arsenal's first choice net-tender next season.
If there was anything positive to be taken from the Cup Final for United supporters, then it was Lehmann's bullish words after the match: "I will be the No 1 next season. I have already spoken to the manger and said I wanted to stay here."
It does not seem to clear to Monsieur Wenger though. The astute French tactician is aware that Oliver Kahn's nemesis is in fact suspended for Arsenal's first two European games for the new campaign.
This could be fatal. With Jens on such good form, how could Arsenal continue their fine run of dropping out of Europe at the first hurdle for the past eight years?
LEST WE FORGET...
With all the accolades going to Lehmann's goalkeeping heroics and Arsenal's spot-kick calm, little has been said of the diminutive Swedish midfielder who came off the bench to play a vital role in Arsenal's thwarting of United.
Finding himself on the goal-line with just minutes to spare, Freddie somehow contrived to miraculously direct Ruud van Nistelrooy's header from danger with a agile headed clearance via the cross-bar.
It must be in the genes, or out of the jeans for that matter, because - and this takes us full circle - Freddie, like his professional counterparts, is also one for dropping his shorts and revealing his not-so-diminutive six-pack.
Head off the line, indeed.
Robert has indeed set a dangerous trend of celebratory stripteasing which seems likely to soil the sport of all its decency.
PAOLO'S PACKAGE
This weekend saw two copycat perpetrators of huge proportions. The Laurent Lunchbox has become a veritable summer picnic hamper of moist goodies... How our parents' generation would be shocked!
First up was Inside Europe regular Paolo Di Canio, last gracing our pages with his memorable Nazi salute. Passionate Paolo had good reason to be happy on Sunday, with his treasured side Lazio's 1-1 draw against Fiorentina all but ensuring the Roman club's presence in the top-flight next year.
On this occasion, the generously tattooed veteran striker seemed to content himself with a rather tamer Roman salute, yet added extra shock value by doing so in the buff and flaunting his equally generous crown-jewels for good measure.
Take note of the Italian influence: our fashionable Mediterranean stunner wouldn't be seen dead in a loose grey number - as preferred by Frenchie Robert - and instead goes for the figure-hugging white model. Pure class.
But it does not end there. A thousand kilometres westward and a scene of alarming similarity was being replicated on the pitch of the Bessa stadium in Portugal after Benfica's 1-1 away draw against Boavista.
SABROSA'S SABRE
With the draw, Benfica clinched their 31st Portuguese Superliga title, and their first in 11 years. Such a riotous moment called for equally lavish celebrations, Benfica captain Simao Sabrosa, who opened the scoring from the spot after 38 minutes, knew only too well.
"Hmm..." he might have pondered, "what can I do to celebrate this landmark?"
"I know!" Sabrosa was then not heard to have thought. "How about I take off all my clothes like my friends Laurent and Paolo. You see, I've actually won something, not merely avoided relegation, so surely that really calls for putting some quality flesh on display..."
And so Simao duly obliged, whipping off his strip with all the agility of an atavistic Di Canio saluting his right-wing idols, and soon the Portuguese press were erecting their cameras, elongating their lenses and caressing their film.
This latest uncovering proved one thing: that the Benfica captain is statuesque in his fine build, cut and ripped like a Greek sculpture of the Dionysus period. Also, it ends the much thought-about question as to whether players' underwear is actually part of their team's strip.
In this case, the answer is clearly yes, with Sabrosa's white and red pants in line with his team Benfica's away-strip, and - if you look closely - the captain's very own squad number - 20 - adorning the elastic hem. I bet Paolo was jealous of that...
PATRICK'S DAY
Talking of scoring penalties and wearing underpants, Patrick Vieira is pretty adept at both activities. On Sunday, Arsenal's captain gave his club the most unlikely FA Cup win after he stroked home the final spot-kick in the tense shoot-out following the 0-0 draw against Manchester United.
The last time the Gunners grabbed a bit of silverware - back in April 2004 when they secured the Premiership at neighbours Tottenham - Vieira celebrated by - you guessed it! - stripping down to his bare minimums and doing a lap of honour around White Hart Lane.
The plot thickens, for this seems to put Big Pat - unsuggestively nicknamed La Grande Saucisse by his team-mates in the dressing room - as the original trend-setter of Y-Front exhibitionism.
Anyway, enough of all this pants, and on to something which was, rather surprisingly, not pants at all during Saturday's Cup final: Jens Lehmann's goalkeeping.
The German shot-stopper, so vilified over a tense Christmas period for the Gunners, was a true revelation in between the sticks at Cardiff, and was the only obstacle impeding United's deserved multi-goal rout of Arsenal.
LEMON ON THE MENU AGAIN
Two expert saves to deny a rampant Wayne Rooney - who rumour has it was wearing a pair of Jockey's underneath his shorts - and some excellent smothering from frequent United corners was topped off with the German's penalty shoot-out save from Paul Scholes.
Jens' moment of glory did more than to add to an already long list of German victories over English opposition at penalties; it gave the usually calamitous Jens the true belief that he will be Arsenal's first choice net-tender next season.
If there was anything positive to be taken from the Cup Final for United supporters, then it was Lehmann's bullish words after the match: "I will be the No 1 next season. I have already spoken to the manger and said I wanted to stay here."
It does not seem to clear to Monsieur Wenger though. The astute French tactician is aware that Oliver Kahn's nemesis is in fact suspended for Arsenal's first two European games for the new campaign.
This could be fatal. With Jens on such good form, how could Arsenal continue their fine run of dropping out of Europe at the first hurdle for the past eight years?
LEST WE FORGET...
With all the accolades going to Lehmann's goalkeeping heroics and Arsenal's spot-kick calm, little has been said of the diminutive Swedish midfielder who came off the bench to play a vital role in Arsenal's thwarting of United.
Finding himself on the goal-line with just minutes to spare, Freddie somehow contrived to miraculously direct Ruud van Nistelrooy's header from danger with a agile headed clearance via the cross-bar.
It must be in the genes, or out of the jeans for that matter, because - and this takes us full circle - Freddie, like his professional counterparts, is also one for dropping his shorts and revealing his not-so-diminutive six-pack.
Head off the line, indeed.
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