April 2nd. The world woke up to the sound of something far more terrifying than sirens.
Trump was trending again.
At 8:00 AM sharp, from a stage shaped like a bald eagle riding a tank, Trump took the mic. Behind him, massive red letters blazed:
LIBERATION DAY
“We’ve been taken advantage of for
too long,” he said, adjusting his tie while an orchestra played a suspiciously familiar remix of
Born in the USA. “Today, I’m liberating America… by taxing the whole planet. Nobody escapes. We are finally freeing ourselves… from cheap imports, foreign cheeses, and weak coffee! Tariffs for all! You're welcome!”.
The crowd—consisting mostly of paid actors, confused tourists, and a guy dressed as Abraham Lincoln holding a latte—erupted in applause.
The Announcement: Trump unveiled a new economic doctrine:
“Tariff First, Ask Questions Later.”
Effective immediately:
- A 400% tariff on anything labelled “Made in Not-America.”
- 1000% tariffs on French wine ("Too wine-y")
- 500% on Swiss chocolate ("Too melty, suspiciously neutral")
- Avocados taxed per milligram of guac
- 800% on Canadian maple syrup ("Too polite, must be hiding something")
- Croissants? Illegal, unless they’re spelled “CROIS-SANDWICH.”
- 2000% tariff. On everything. TikTok trinkets? Gone. LED cat ear headphones? Gone. Self-stirring mugs? Illegal.
Reactions came in fast.
The UK accidentally declared independence from itself.
Mexico started building a wall… facing
north.
The EU tried to write a strongly worded email, but Microsoft Word crashed from sheer panic.
Meanwhile, in Bolivia, a llama was elected president in protest. His first order: no more quinoa exports to the U.S. This was seen as a bold move. America panicked—Whole Foods nearly collapsed.
The world economy turned into a Monopoly game being played by toddlers with sugar highs. Denmark declared bankruptcy because someone slapped a $100 billion tariff on Lego. Trump said, “It’s to stop foot injuries. I’ve stepped on one. It’s a weapon.”
Wall Street? Chaos. Stocks yo-yoed so hard they got motion sickness.
Walmart? Rebranded overnight as Wall-Notmart and started selling only corn and American flags.
Amazon? Renamed itself to “Delaware River Inc.” to sound more local. It didn't work.
Unexpected Consequences:
- Ecuador launched the world’s first banana-backed cryptocurrency: Bananacoin.
- Switzerland retaliated by banning Toblerones in the U.S. Trump tweeted: “Who needs 'em? I invented the triangle.”
- McDonald's introduced the “Tariff Burger”: $89.99 with optional cheese (domestic only).
But Trump was unmoved.
“This is a great day for freedom,” he said, pointing to a chart labelled “America Winning” with no axis labels. “I call it Liberation Day because we are
liberating ourselves... from good deals, cheap prices, and international friendships. You’re welcome.”
By nightfall, Trump went back on stage and lit fireworks that spelled “MADE IN AMERICA*”
(*except the fireworks)
And so, Liberation Day became a global holiday. Not in celebration — but in warning.
Every year on April 2nd, the world stops, remembers, and whispers:
“Hide your imports. Trump’s awake.”