Misc Articles (1 Viewer)

[Layce Erayce]

Have any interesting/funny/weird miscellaneous articles? Heres the place to post em...

to start off

Jalapeño Pepsi Fails to Excite Consumers
9/22/2003 - William Grim

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New York - Advertising Age Magazine is reporting that the $150 million nationwide launch for Jalapeño Pepsi has been an unprecedented disaster, with total sales for the new soft drink worldwide amounting to only $645.32.

Herb Schneider, VP for Creative at Saatchi & Saatchi, said that his company is perplexed at the failure of the "Jalapeño Pepsi: Hot and Fizzy!" advertising campaign. "Man, Vanilla Pepsi is flying off the shelves, and with the big Mexican demographic we thought this hybrid product couldn't lose," said Schneider. "We even had Carlos Santana and Christina Aguilera made up to look like a real Latina in our ads. I guess we're gonna have to go back to the old drawing boards."

Pepsi stock fell 86% on Wall Street yesterday after sales figures for Jalapeño Pepsi were made public. Company officials said during a conference call to investors this morning that new products currently in the development pipeline, such as Curry Pepsi and Cinnamon Salsa Pepsi, have been placed on the backburner until further market research can be done.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Layce Erayce]

US Retaliates For Hurricane Isabel
9/18/2003 - David Jessop

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President Bush has today announced a new front in the war on terror. Citing the work of meteorologist Edward Lorenz, who famously stated that the flap of a butterfly's wings in Brazil could trigger a tornado in Texas, the President today declared war on the whole of South America.

"We can no longer stand by while there are butterflies in the hands of terrorists." said the President. "Hurricane Isabel is a wake up call to the West; it's time to smoke the enemy out of his foxholes, or whatever it is butterflies have. We must not rest while the evil doers in this world have access to wildlife of mass destruction."

A senior official at the Pentagon outlined the US plan of attack. "First," he explained, "we dump several tons of agent orange on Amazonia. Then the marines go in and clear up any of the winged bastards we missed first time around."

Also believed to be priority targets are Australia, with its crocodiles, snakes and spiders, Canada, for polar bears and Celine Dion, and the vast majority of zoos across the US and beyond.

The arch-frog, Jacques Chirac, meanwhile, has been spouting some treacherous drivel about it being pointless to destroy the entire rainforest, but everyone was too busy buying fly swats to really listen.

 

[Layce Erayce]

Echoing Bush, Entire World Declares War On Itself
New York, NY - Using language similar to the Bush administration's in justifying it's war on terrorism and the upcoming war with Iraq, at least 137 nations have declared other nations threats and sponsors of terrorism.

Russia has expanded its war against what it terms terrorist Chechens. Its military ventures could now include possible incursions into its neighbor, Georgia.

China, with Washington's assent, has declared a Muslim group seeking independence in one of the western provinces to be terrorists, in a region of such small worth the Chinese only dominate them out of vanity, just as it does with the Tibetans. China also accuses Taiwan of trying to build weapons of mass consumption.

India and Pakistan each plan to renew their hostilities against each other when the Monsoon season ends. Complaints have been leveled by each government against the other, citing acts of terrorism over the disputed Kashmir Valley. A majority of Kashmirians would prefer to proceed as a stand-alone nation, and have all been labeled terrorists by the Indian and Pakistani governments.

The Palestinians and Israel continue a mutual barrage of explosions and recriminations, pointing out various United Nations resolutions in which the other stand in violation.

Islamaturkistan and Urkelstan have declared each other to be harboring terrorists in the growing dispute over the territory of Islamaturkelstan. A majority of Islamaturkelistans would prefer to be members of an independent Kashmir, prompting Islamaturkistan and Urkelstan each to declare war preemptively on Independent Kashmir (should such a state ever come into being) especially if this theoretical Kashmirian state seeks weapons of mass destruction.

Antarctica is declaring Australia to be an outlaw state, saying they had the idea for a cute island continent first. Antarcticans claim that Australia is just doing the same things Antarctica did first, only warmer and with marsupials. Said one belligerent Antarctican at a local war rally, "What are they hiding in those pouches? What are they afraid to show the world?"

In a refreshing break from the pattern, Ireland's latest lapses in their peace process seem not to have been inspired by the War on Terrorism and the saber rattling towards Iraq. "We just missed killing each other," said one Irish bomber.


Daniel Kilian

 

[Layce Erayce]

Microsoft Alleges US Government is a Monopoly

Redmond, WA - Microsoft today filed papers in Federal District Court alleging that the United States Government is a monopoly. The papers allege that the current government has stifled competition, and has prevented innovation in government, by using its monopoly power to pass laws prohibiting the formation of another Federal government.
"American's don't have a choice in which army will protect them. They have no choice in who will collect their taxes. Less than 50% of the people even bother to vote because they know it won't make any difference." said Steve Ballmer. "It's time that the US Government opened up to some competition, that would get people out to vote and wring out a lot of the inefficiencies."

Microsoft is solidly against splitting up the government saying it would cause too much harm to the public. They suggest letting Microsoft set up its own government and let the marketplace determine which government should rule. Bill Gates said, "We already have more money than most governments around the world, and we have our own army."

On what a Microsoft government could do for the people Mr. Gates added, "Talk about bloated code. Have you seen the tax laws? A Microsoft government would have a simpler tax code, and each citizen would be given a copy of Microsoft Money to help them track their finances."

A coalition of companies headed by Sun Microsystems filed a brief shortly after Microsoft stating, "If they get to form a government, we get to form a government."

The Department of Justice is expected to respond to the allegations within a week. It is expected that this case will reach the Supreme Court.

 

[gray]

Oh man... i read about 100 stupid articles a day


MILFORD, Conn. - The baseball flies off Edward Hoff III's bat with such force that he's the Babe Ruth of his league. The problem, league officials say, is that the ball is flying toward children 12 to 15 years old.


Milford youth baseball officials have prohibited Hoff, 15, from using aluminum bats because of concerns that his powerful stroke puts other players at risk. Now, he is the only player in the league using a wooden bat, which the league believes reduces the speed of the ball.


"I think it is unfair because I am the only player," Hoff told the Connecticut Post. "I don't really want to be there."


Hoff and his parents are complaining about the league's action, but town baseball officials say they have to protect the players.


Milford is one of many towns across the country debating the safety of aluminum bats. Youth baseball officials have different opinions on the issue.


"They allow other 15-year-olds to use aluminum bats," said Hoff's father, Ed Hoff Jr. "They should not single him out. There was another child they did that to and he quit."


Abraham Key, president of PONY Baseball and Softball, the parent organization of Hoff's Milford Junior Major League, declined to comment. Each league has a right to adopt its own rules, he said.


But a spokesman for Little League Baseball in Williamsport, Pa., said keeping a player from using a league-approved bat is considered unfair to that player.


Little League officials believe metal bats may be safer than wooden ones because they are less prone to shatter.


"There are a lot of kids who are good at baseball," said Lance Van Auken, a spokesman for the Little League, which is not affiliated with Milford's PONY (Protect Our Nation's Youth) League. "They have to be treated the same way as others."


Tom Balogh, president of the Milford Junior Major League, said officials replaced the bat after parents raised concerns about the impact of the balls hit by Hoff.


"We have to look out for the interest of the whole league. In a way, he was (singled out) because he was probably the best player," Balogh said.


League officials made the decision after consulting each other, he said.


Hoff's powerful swings may cause balls to fly off his metal bat at more than 75 mph, he said. The league, which has more than 60 players, has had an increase in 12-year-olds who are about to turn 13, Balogh said.


Ed Hoff III said his rate of hitting home runs noticeably dropped after the league took away his metal bat. He said he will switch leagues if the sanction continues much longer.


In youth baseball leagues around the nation, there has been a push to replace wooden bats with metal ones, Van Auken said.


While there are no studies to prove they are safer, some believe metal bats have led to a decrease in injuries, he said, because they don't break.

"Aluminum is much more safe and cost effective than wooden bats," Van Auken said.

 

[Layce Erayce]

this should be the only quality thread around right now

 

[Dj Juve]

this is real stuff


From KENTUCKY

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.


From TEXAS

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a 4 year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.


From VIRGINIA

Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.


this one is really real..not a joke or sth, real

Angry robber
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

 

[Dj Juve]

Appleton, Wisconsin - Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to ten years in prison. :LOL:



Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.....wonder why he noticed that woman's breast...

 

[Dj Juve]

Mrs. Jessie Brockman, a 66 year old woman from Menlo Park, CA was found dead with a revolver in her hand... of natural causes. It seems that she had a heart attack before she could pull the trigger...

 

[Dj Juve]

AMSTERDAM - Two intoxicated men, (one was American), were fined $480 for urinating on passengers and airplane seats while aboard separate flights to Amsterdam, officials said Thursday.


Erik?

 

[Layce Erayce]

 

[Layce Erayce]

(11 March 2003, Spain) Early one morning, police received a call warning that three robbers had invaded the bar of a Madrid brothel. The police dispatched several units, and confirmed that the call was true. Officers surrounded the building, and used a bullhorn to coax the offenders from the premises.
The robbers, understandably frightened, found themselves in an untenable situation inside a building surrounded by dozens of policemen. Their subsequent actions may have been influenced by the ready availability of alcohol. Instead of surrendering, they decided to go out in a blaze of glory, and tried to escape while shooting at everything in sight.

The policemen ducked, covered, and proceeded to shoot back at the running robbers. Two were fatally injured, and the third was wounded in his right leg.

Why was the gunfight over so quickly? The three robbers were carrying REAL guns loaded with FAKE ammunition. They were firing blanks, making enough sound and light to fool the police into shooting back, but not enough to actually help them escape.

 

[Layce Erayce]

(7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I’ll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."
During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I’ll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"

Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.

Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

 

[Dj Juve]

:LOL: nicely done article

 

[Layce Erayce]

(January 2002, Croatia) A Croatian was killed while trying to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw. He wanted to retrieve the explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year’s holiday.

(2 August 2002, Kansas) Police said an Olathe man was struck and killed by a train after his vehicle broke down on Interstate 35. His attempts at repairing his car had failed, and he had stepped away from the busy freeway to call for help, when the train engineer spotted him standing on the tracks. The engineer said the man was holding a cell phone to one ear, and cupping his hand to the other ear to block the noise of the train.

(14 February 2002, Pennsylvania) Daniel and his friend were practicing their marksmanship by shooting at targets in a farm field. But instead of the usual choices of mice, bottles, or birds, they selected a more worthy adversary: electrical insulators.
These pear-shaped glass or plastic devices are intended to hold electrical wires aloft. But after the men shot six insulators off two utility poles, the shattered targets were no longer up to the job. A high-voltage wire fell to the ground and Daniel, attempting to prevent a serious fire, seized the sizzling wire in his hand, and was electrocuted.

An Allegheny Power spokesman advised people not to shoot at electrical insulators.

 

[Layce Erayce]

(November 2002, Belgium) A retired engineer booby-trapped his home with the intention of killing his estranged family, but died himself after inadvertently triggering one of his own devices.
At first, police assumed that the 79-year-old had committed suicide, as he was found alone with a bullet wound in his neck. Then a detective missed a bullet by inches when he opened a booby-trapped wooden chest. Police beat a hasty retreat from the property and called in military experts.

They deciphered an enigmatic series of scribbled clues to locate 19 death traps in walls, ceilings, and household objects. A pile of booby-trapped dinner plates was revealed by the clue, "Cheaper by the Dozen," a reference to a film in which a child throws a plate at someone's head. Police speculate that the the notes were intended to assist his failing memory.

Other traps included numerous concealed shotguns triggered by threads, and an exploding crate of beer set to detonate once a certain number of bottles were rmoved. It took three weeks to crack 19 of the 20 clues, and experts were forced to admit defeat on the final note: "The 12 Apostles are ready to work on the pebbles." Said one, "We have never come across anything like it before. It was all fiendishly clever."

True to form, the "fiendishly clever" but careless Darwin Award winner was described by neighbors as a taciturn but harmless man who enjoyed puttering in his garage. But relatives say he never forgave his wife for divorcing him twenty years before. Police believe he bagan installing the traps for four years, after losing a lengthy battle to keep his home.

 

[Dj Juve]

this is just stupid

When an armed robber who took less than $100 from a 7-11 store in St. Peters, MO, couldn't get his get-away car started, he returned to the store, handed back the money and told the two clerks it was all just a joke. They agreed to give his vehicle a jump start, not to write down his license plate number and wait about 40 minutes before calling the police. "We have a friendly town out here," police Officer David Kuppler noted, indicating the suspect was arrested anyway about an hour later.

++ [ originally posted by [LAC] ] ++
(14 February 2002, Pennsylvania) Daniel and his friend were practicing their marksmanship by shooting at targets in a farm field. But instead of the usual choices of mice, bottles, or birds, they selected a more worthy adversary: electrical insulators.
These pear-shaped glass or plastic devices are intended to hold electrical wires aloft. But after the men shot six insulators off two utility poles, the shattered targets were no longer up to the job. A high-voltage wire fell to the ground and Daniel, attempting to prevent a serious fire, seized the sizzling wire in his hand, and was electrocuted.

An Allegheny Power spokesman advised people not to shoot at electrical insulators.

only in America

 

[KisSeSs]

Noooooooo .. you should join the buffon section .. its better for you ..

 

[gray]

Hmmm this is all from http://www.darwinawards.com right?

That site gave me many an hour of not-doing-my-assignment-on-the-computer entertainment

 

[Layce Erayce]

right my man the point of not divulging a source is to have articles in this thread rather than links. its purpose is to provide interesting reading that stimulates the mind and gets you to learn something new. threads such as these should be cherished by the sane.

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Ecstasy Alone Is Enough to Kill
'Club Drug' Can Be Lethal Even Without Other Drugs or Alcohol

By Jennifer Warner

Sept. 24, 2003 -- The "club drug" ecstasy may be deadly enough on its own to make a clubgoer's night out their last, a new study shows.

New research shows that one in six people who died in England and Wales after taking ecstasy had not taken any other drug. Researchers say it's the largest study to date on ecstasy-related deaths and should clear up the myth that the club drug is only lethal when mixed with other drugs or alcohol.

"This clears up the debate once and for all -- ecstasy alone can kill," says researcher Fabrizio Schifano, MD, of St. George's Hospital Medical School in London, in a news release.

Ecstasy Kills

The study, published in the October issue of Human Psychopharmacology, shows that the number of ecstasy-related deaths has risen in England and Wales each year since 1996.

The number of deaths rose from two deaths in 1996 to 72 in 2001-02.

Researchers found three out of four of the victims were under 29 years of age and four out of five victims were male.

The study also found that in 17% of the deaths linked to the club drug, the victim had taken no other substances, such as alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines, or opiates, before his or her death. But researchers say they are concerned that ecstasy may be even more deadly when used in combination with these drugs.

"Many people now combine ecstasy with alcohol at the beginning of the evening to get a greater high, then use drugs like cocaine or amphetamines to prolong the effect, before taking opiates or high doses of alcohol to calm themselves down at the end of the evening," says Schifano, "and it's a potentially lethal cocktail."

Researchers say death from ecstasy isn't quick. They say it takes several hours for the hyperthermia (rise in body temperature) and brain swelling caused by the drug to take effect.