Funny side of football (13 Viewers)

[Red]

Hey, I was at the Scotland v France and although Scottish fans are generally ludicrusly optimistic, the most important thing to remember is the score

SCOTLAND 1 HENRY'S MOANING FRENCH SURRENDERING FROGS 0

Tell you even Trez couldn't get into the game.

The french even had the nerve to blame the Scottish ball boys being too slow for them losing.

Also Scotland have a good home record against big teams. Recently we have beaten France, drawn with Germany and only a late goal stopped us beating Italy.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Chxta]

An Argentinian teenager is suing a River Plate-supporting tattooist who inked a big phallus on his back instead of the Boca Juniors logo he asked for. "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents," sobbed the unfortunate young man.

 

[Chxta]

When you're looking for a player to rally the troops after a gut-wrenching result, then there's no point turning to lion-hearted England captain John Terry, who, as he again proved after Sunday's draw with Arsenal, will be too busy sobbing his eyes out like a kid who's just been told that neither Santa Claus nor the Tooth Fairy exist but chicken pox and George Bush do. There's not much point in asking Frank Lampard to boost morale either, since his default reaction to disappointment is not to stick his chest out and his chin up, but to shoot his mouth off to a tabloid like a jilted floozy.

"There have been problems at the club and they have to be addressed, simple as that," boomed Lamps to the Sun, prompting the Fiver to wonder to what he was referring: the Cro-magnon route one football Chelsea insist on playing? A wingerless, almost full-backless side that's as narrow and unpleasant as a faulty suppository, ultimately melting under pressure but leaving an awful pain in the hole?

Alas, no. Because teacher's pet Lamps would never criticise Jose Mourinho, and instead directed his moaning at unnamed team-mates whom he reckons have failed to embrace Chelsea's hooftastic tactics. "Look at how we played at Arsenal, with 11 players all fighting to win the game, all our players involved in that performance can take pride from their efforts and look forward to better things," blubbed Lamps pointedly of a side that didn't include Michael Ballack, Andriy Shevchenko and Ashley Cole but, bizarrely, did feature Khalid Boulahrouz. "We can't allow certain people to lose us the spirit that has got us to where we are," continued Lamps, as the missing trio checked their dictionaries to verify that spirit is a synonym of money.

 

[Chxta]

One of the good things about Tottenham's poxy start to the season is that it means we won't have to spend the whole summer listening to their fans wail that their absence from the Champion's League is entirely down to rancid lasagne. One of the other good things is that it's prevented the club from raising its profile, a development which could have paved the way for celebrity fans such as Bryan Adams, Emma Bunton and - yikes! - Phil Collins to piggyback their way back to prominence. But the best thing, of course, is that it makes tonight's Premiership tussle between Tottenham and Blackeye Rovers a Euro Vase qualification decider. All together now: ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

A Spurs victory would guarantee their fans the possibility of being attacked by Spanish police next season, while Blackeye need to win both at White Hart Lane tonight and at home to Reading on Saturday to offer their supporters a similar privilege. What's more, goals are likely: Spurs may have been about as penetrative as a rubber eunuch at the start of the campaign but they've improved since then, and when relegating Charlton last Monday, hit their 101st goal of the season, breaking the century mark for the first time in 20 years. What's more, they remain dodgy at the back, which is where Blackeye's David Bentley, Morten Gamst Pedersen and Benni McCarthy could come in.

Rovers ringleader Mark Hughes has been rousing his rabble ahead of the game by claiming that McCarthy's been a much better buy than Spurs' talisman, Dimitar Berbatov. "Berbatov has had a great season but not as good as Benni's," inflamed Sparky. "Benni didn't cost anything like as much money [£2.5m compared to £10.9m] and has scored a lot more league goals. If you look at the list of Premiership goalscorers, he's third with 16 and Berbatov is way down with 10." Of course, if Hughes had been feeling particularly cruel, he could also have pointed out that he bought McCarthy from Porto, who, in 2003, had signed him for a mere £2.3m - a fraction of what Spurs had just paid the Portugeezers for ... Helder Postiga.

 

[Chxta]

Some might claim it's like giving a prisoner handcuffs for Christmas, or marking a mechanic's birthday by smashing up his car. Others may simply say that appointing Bryan Robson as manager of relegated Sheffield United is merely to confirm football's exaggerated support for the Premiership's law of gravity: a declaration that what goes up must come down ... and stay the hell down.

That's a view backed by the bookies, who reacted to Robbo's enthronement at Bramall Lane this morning by lengthening the odds on the Blades getting back to the big time from 12-1 to 14-1. "The knee-jerk reaction when a new boss comes in is to shorten their odds, but Robbo is not everyone's idea of an up-and-coming dynamic manager," scoffed William Hill's Graham Sharpe.

The Blades tried to blunt Sharpe's edge by unleashing chairman Kevin McCabe, who blurted: "We believe Bryan is the manager who will blend the squad and lead us back to where we rightfully belong - in the Premiership - in a short space of time." The press conference then took an even more surreal twist when McCabe added: "We aim to be in the top 10 in the Premiership at least within the next three to five years."

But maybe that plan isn't, as it first appears, the most ludicrously over-ambitious aspiration since the last time Jeremy Clarkson tried to make a friend. After all, the Blades have been doing some canny, discreet building, notably by attempting to secure a steady supply of foreign talent by buying a club in China and forging links with another in Brazil. And even though Robson may be the most underwhelming appointment since England unveiled their replacement for Sven-Goran Eriksson, the fact is he does know at least one strategy for getting teams out of trouble: unfortunately for him, Second-Choice Steve got to Terry Venables first.

 

[Chxta]

The Fiver doesn't care what you're doing, stop it. If you're not standing, get up on your feet. Take the roof off for one of the great international careers. Because today Ryan Giggs announced that he will play his last game for Wales on Saturday. Never mind Terry Butcher's blood-red headband or Franz Beckenbauer playing a World Cup semi-final with a broken collarbone; Giggs went the extra mile for his country, once even getting an accidental wedgie against Canada. So, in tribute, we decided to type 'Ryan Giggs', 'Wales' and 'shameless sickie' into our special Fiver Factathon Facilitator. After much whirring, a couple of hollow clunks and a disturbing rattling noise, here's what it came up with:

1) During his 16 years as an international footballer, Giggs didn't play a single friendly away from home.

2) He did once play against Brazil on neutral territory, though. At White Hart Lane. (And against a "Basque XI" too, if you're being especially picky.)

3) Having made his debut in 1991, Giggs missed 18 friendlies in a row before deigning to appear in one against Finland in 2000.

4) He has missed 27% of Wales's competitive games and 76% of their friendlies.

5) Retiring from a team who couldn't qualify a minor observation, never mind for a major tournament, so as to concentrate on playing for the English champions wasn't an easy decision: "I have loved playing for my country and I have loved captaining my country," gushed Giggsy. "I think it's the right time to do this. It wasn't an easy decision for me."

6) Since his debut Giggs has played 63 games out of a possible 12,000,004. "The number of games he has played for Wales doesn't proportionally seem to fit," said his manager John Toshack in 2004, before proudly unveiling his theory as to why Dolly Parton sleeps on her back.

7) Due to a series of unfortunate ailments, including 1,908 forms of hamstring knack, a malicious nosehair and a new season of The Apprentice, Giggs has missed glamour mid-season trips for friendlies in Norn Iron 1-0, Estonia, Qatar and Brazil. "You must question who arranged a game in Qatar involving an 18-hour trip with players having such a heavy playing schedule," harrumphed Lord Ferg of the friendly in Qatar, a month after yanking his players out of the FA Cup and herding them on to a plane to Brazil.

8) Giggs has been genuinely injured every time he has missed a game. "Every time I missed a game for Wales it has been because of a genuine injury," he said in 2001, inadvertently swallowing a fly in the process and ruling himself out of the next friendly.

9) Lord Ferg emphatically did not influence any of Giggs's withdrawals.

10) Giggs's frequent absences were in fact the Welsh public's fault, as Lord Ferg revealed in 2000: "The Welsh public have a special player in Ryan Giggs and what they must realise is that he does have a hamstring problem that does need looking after."

11) Every day, when Ryan Giggs wakes up, he thanks the Lord he's Welsh.

 

[Chxta]

Oh. Hello. The Fiver was just doing the crossword and thinking of a [Theme - Need To Think Up One Soon (4,4) L_M_ RIF_]. It's running a bit late, you see, after an end to the Spanish season so stunning that this tea-timely email was actually knocked out, only coming round in time to discover it had [Gah! - Not Again (3,6) W_T I_S_LF] and had to [Last Resort Of The Lazy Journalist (4,3,5) C_PY AND PA_T_] a few quotes together on the subject. With 24 minutes to go last night, Real Madrid were trailing Real Mallorca 1-0, while Barcelona were giving Gimnastic a good, old-fashioned thrashing and the La Liga title was heading to the Nou Camp.

And then [Wife Needs Feeding Up (5,7) D_V_D _E_K_A_] limped off injured and on ran Jose Antonio Reyes, who put a couple of [Eludes Second-Choice Steve (5) G_A_S] away, enabling Real to win the game and the title. All of which highlights the fact that the [Engorged Money-Making Monster (11) PRE_IER_H_P], by contrast, hasn't had an exciting finish since the West Indies had a half-decent attack, and also made Beckham a very [Pig Spotting Rebecca Loos (5) H_P_Y] man, having filled in one of the bigger blanks in his footballing CV. "I couldn't have dreamt it any better," he said. "It's been about [Eludes Second-Choice Steve (7) W_NN_NG] the title for the last six months, and we've deserved it tonight. They have been with me for four years in Spain and have been through the ups and downs, and they've felt the [Eludes Second-Choice Steve (8) EUPHOR_A] tonight."

Beckham kept quiet about the fact that Real made their [Eludes Second-Choice Steve (8) COMEB_CK] as soon as he limped off, but he has been vital to their title run during the latter part of the season. And, after last night's events, the rather more [Second-Choice Steve (7) HUMDR_M] surroundings of the MLS might give Beckham a bigger comedown than a three-day disco-biscuit session. Still, at least he'll have a few chums to keep him company, watching in the stands were Katie Holmes and [Notoriously Litigious Thespian - Keep Well Away From Innuendo Of Any Kind (3,6) T_M CR__S_].

 

[Chxta]

"I certainly believe taking Bolton into Big Cup is possible" - Sammy Lee, moments before staking £10 on a unicorn to win next year's Grand National.

 

[Chxta]

Whatever you make of the ManU's signings this summer, you can't deny that offloading Alan Smith, Kieran Richardson and Giuseppe Rossi for £17.2m constitutes masterful management. Which makes you wonder why Lord Fergie is so opposed to pocketing £6.8m of Liverpool's lolly in return for being relieved of Gabriel Heinze. Is it simply because he's genetically incapable of giving anything to Liverpool even if ManU gains from it? Has he become addicted to tedious, drawn-out sagas involving Argentinians? What's the capital of Belize? (just keeping you on your toes.)

The answers to the above are Belmopan, dunno, and what was the question again? - though not necessarily in that order. Yet Heinze may get his wish to move to Anfield, especially as a Premier League arbitration panel has been set up to investigate the case. Reportedly they'll be read a letter given to Heinze by ManU in which the club state they'll let him leave if they receive a bid of £6.8m, which, by happy coincidence, is the very sum Rafa Benitez is offering for a left-back who's no more defensively sound than John Arne Riise and a lot less menacing going forward.

ManU, however, insist they can prove the player agreed not to join a club that could conceivably challenge for the Premiership. What's more ManU reckon that includes Liverpool. "He's a contracted player for two years and unless we receive an offer which is acceptable to us as a club, he will remain with us!" thundered chief suit David Gill.

Heinze is chummy with many of Liverpool's Spanish-speakers and is also attracted by the promise of a four-year contract that'll tide him over till he's 33. But, keen JFK conspiracy theorist that he is, Lord Fergie senses the nefarious influence of a Mr 15%. "I think that if we could take away the agent's role in this, I don't think an awful lot is wrong with Gabi's position at the club," fumed Fergie.

"We've looked after Gabi very well. He had his cruciate knee operation and we looked after him. We let him do his rehabilitation in Spain, which he wanted and I think he's delighted at how we've treated him. We've conducted ourselves in a way that suited Gabi perfectly." All of which brings us back to our original question: as Heinze hasn't been as impressive since that operation, why not do what suits both him and the Rowdies perfectly - and let him go to Liverpool?

 

[Chxta]

Women love a bad boy. Sure, any girl will tell you she really wants a polite young man with a sense of humour who'll treat her like a princess, but while you're plucking up the courage to ask if you can help carry her books home from school and help conjugate some French verbs, she's clambered aboard the pillion of a Harley driven by some arrogant, leather-clad, shade-wearing, gum-chewing, tattoo-sporting, cackling miscreant with anything but homework on his mind.

Oh yes, your arrogant, leather-clad, shade-wearing, gum-chewing, tattoo-sporting, cackling Fiver knows it all right - women just love a bad boy. And so does Alan Curbishley, if a glance at his West Ham squad is anything to go by.

This morning he numbered Anton Ferdinand, Craig Bellamy, Matthew Etherington, Carlton Cole, Bobby Zamora and Lee Bowyer among the deadbeat punks all vying for the limited number of seats at the back of the team bus, and this afternoon he brought another ne'er-do-well into the fold by finally signing Kieron Dyer from Newcastle United for - depending on which club's accountants you're talking to - a bargain/rip-off £6m/£7m.

"We did the medical and everything else 10 days ago, and it's not too late for Saturday," said Curbishley, as his sullen new acquisition leaned against a nearby Baby Bentley, refusing to speak and looking decidedly nonplussed. "He played yesterday and Monday for Newcastle reserves. He has been training and playing games - and we will see how he is."

Although he may look like Pete Sampras crossed with Noel Gallagher in a bad mood, Dyer is likely to be delighted. His long sought-after move to Big London means he's got his wish of moving closer to his Suffolk-based partner and family. And, as luck would have it, trendy London nightspot Funky Buddha, the kind of shops Roy Keane won't set foot in, and whatever police station the fall-out from this year's West Ham Christmas party ends up in are also among the amenities within easy reach.

 

[Geof]

Cheeta, you should have your own forum.

 

[Chxta]

I've not had too much time to be participating fully here lately, but all things being equal that would soon be rectified...

 

[Seven]

This is just weird.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

Hey, I was at the Scotland v France and although Scottish fans are generally ludicrusly optimistic, the most important thing to remember is the score

SCOTLAND 1 HENRY'S MOANING FRENCH SURRENDERING FROGS 0

Tell you even Trez couldn't get into the game.

The french even had the nerve to blame the Scottish ball boys being too slow for them losing.

Also Scotland have a good home record against big teams. Recently we have beaten France, drawn with Germany and only a late goal stopped us beating Italy.

Yea, but it's SCOTLAND!

When it comes down to it....you suck.

When was the last time you attended a World Cup?

 

[Gill_juve]

Yea, but it's SCOTLAND!

When it comes down to it....you suck.

When was the last time you attended a World Cup?

1998. When was the last time America churned out players like scotland? :eyebrows:

 

[Red]

Yea, but it's SCOTLAND!

When it comes down to it....you suck.

When was the last time you attended a World Cup?

We aren't the team we used to be. 1998 was indeed the last time we were at a WC.

The problem is the manager doesn't set the team out the best way, so not only are we not much good, we don't even play to our full potential.

 

[Renaissance]

Cheeta, you should have your own forum.

 

[Roverbhoy]

Yea, but it's SCOTLAND!

When it comes down to it....you suck.

When was the last time you attended a World Cup?

as pointed out by others, 1998...how many have Scotland missed since then? Only been two...no big deal...although under Bertie we did suck, but we have pulled our socks up since then...no need to point out or crapness, we are our own best critics

...and Chxta...do you have a link to the 'fivers' column?

 

[Chxta]

as pointed out by others, 1998...how many have Scotland missed since then? Only been two...no big deal...although under Bertie we did suck, but we have pulled our socks up since then...no need to point out or crapness, we are our own best critics

...and Chxta...do you have a link to the 'fivers' column?

http://football.guardian.co.uk/fiver/

The England Under-17s have set up a quarter-final defeat to Germany on penalties after beating Syria 3-1 at the Under-17 World Cup.

 

[Chxta]

Anyway, point is, his achievements as a manager aren't quite as legion. He led Middlesbrough to promotion and two cup finals, feats which ensured the club felt the searing pain of losing them both in abject fashion while being relegated in the process (though he did turn things round immediately, taking Boro all the way back up to the bottom of the Premiership, before being totally undermined and shown up by an over-rated Cockney spiv and told to do one). He tried to find gainful employment with the Nigerian FA, who will hire anybody, even Berti Vogts, but to no avail. He took a mere three minutes and 17 seconds to get Bradford City relegated. And he kept West Brom up by accident before etc and so on and so forth.

Source

I don die!!!