THE KING AND … SIGH
When the Fiver sallied forth to its local saloon, The Despair and Melancholy, for a few leisurely pints of Problem Solver in front of the football on telly yesterday afternoon, it didn't expect the sophisticated clientele of a Sarf London backstreet drinker to care much about the outcome of a match between Liverpool and Newcastle, two famous old institutions from Brookside and Byker Grove, in that there oop north.
But strangely, whether it was Andy Carroll's impersonation of a horse tripping over a gymball or subsequent mini-tantrum upon being hooked, Newcastle benefiting from several wrong refereeing decisions before going two up, Pepe Reina's red card and the subsequent pantomime of Jose Enrique taking his gloves as $tevie Mbe vigorously shooed his manager Kenny Dalglish from the playing area, each and every misfortune visited upon the visitors was greeted by raucous cheers and chuckles by the assembled throng. Despite having won 18 League titles and five Big Cups and being arguably the most successful club in the history of English football, Liverpool Football Club has now been reduced to the status of laughing stock.
Of course it has been well documented that if the Premier League season had started on 1 January, Liverpool would currently be second from bottom with eight points, five from safety. By the same token, it has also been well documented that if this tea-timely email's auntie had balls she'd be running a King's Cross bongo shack and answering to the name of Weird Uncle Fiver, which she is and has been for some time, but we don't like to talk about that.
Of course it has also been well documented that if the Premier League season had started on 13 August, which it did, Liverpool would currently be in eighth spot, with comparative form teams from Sunderland down to West Brom queuing to overtake them and leave them in 14th place come season's end. Such a turn of events would be a humiliation for a club such as Liverpool, who, given the players at their disposal, could realistically hope to finish 11th. 
"We have not got a problem with people showing desperation or disappointment or frustration, but we need to channel it better than we have done," said Dalglish, probably referring to the strop thrown by Carroll upon his ignominious return to his local club, rather than his own mini-pitch invasion when James Perch flung himself to the ground after being gently caressed by a bead of sweat rolling down Reina's forehead. As is becoming increasingly frequent where black footballers are concerned, the Newcastle defender, whose embarrassing histrionics marred an otherwise fine display, was subsequently allegedly racially abused on Twitter by a Liverpool fan, who was clever enough not to use That Word in a subsequent tweet of support to Glen Johnson. With smarts like that on his side, it is no surprise that the perpetrator has yet to be brought to justice, although the police are on the case.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/apr/02/the-fiver-liverpool-kenny-dalglish
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