The gaffer set down his paella. “Come on in, for sure” he said as the door to his office swung open and Xabi stood, head to foot coated in creamy custard. “Gaffer, gaffer, luis pour thees smelly cuthtard on me, eees no fair.” Rafa stood up and with an angry expression on his face demanded his PA summon luis. “Caroline, err for sure, get me luis here now, for sure.”
Luis turned up and looked at his friend xabi with a beaming smile on his face. “I will wipe thees smile off a your face, for sure” rafa announced in his scariest voice. “But gaffer, eet was not more than a little jokey.” Luis turned away from Rafa and Xabi and let rip the loudest fart anfield has ever heard. Xabi ran screaming from the office, covering his nose with his shirt, arms waiving shouting “eees no good, the shmell’s too bad.”
Rafa’s face started to turn blue. “Luis, have you been drinking the sangrilla?” Garcia nodded mischievously and did his best puppy dog impression. “I’m a’ sorry boss, but you see I eh make thees little bet with mama, if we get past Juve I pour the custard on xabi.”
At that very moment jamie carragher came bursting in through the door, horrified and pointing at his nike sneakers. “Gaffer, like erm y’know erm, like me trainers ‘av been filled with this runny porridge ‘ere like, erm I’m not ‘appy bout it like, erm.” Just then Jamie noticed luis was there, and started to fume with rage. “Ya spotty little git, these ‘ere were a leaving present from stevie, now whor am a do with em?”
“A WHAT?” Rafa bellowed.
“Erm, nothing gaffer, forget I said anything. Infact I, err have to go now, like erm.” Rafa turned purple with rage. “That ees it, I have had eeenough, there will be an eemergency meeting tomorrow at melwood, I ee will make sure evereeone ees there.”
“But, like tomorrow gaffer me and stevie were gone go to a café like to say good..oh nothin’ like, erm.”
The next day, at melwood all the players have assembled for the meeting. Rafa walks to the front of the room, notebook in hand. He looks down at his pad. “I have ee number of contherns, infact I have leested them on thees pad I have. Firthtly, Luis you have been a naughty boy, and as such Sangrilla is banned from the players lounge for a month.” A cry of ‘jess’ was heard coming from xabi alonso, who was in deep conversation with Jamie over how to get back as luis.
Before Rafa could continue his speech, his phone rang. He apologized to the room and answered the call, unawares speakerphone was switched on. “Hello, who ees it?” rafa asked. “Good morning darling, it is your wife, I was jus’ calling to make sure joo have bought the pooper scooper, I so chate jusing my hands to cleer up jour dog.” The room filled with raptures of laughter, and harry kewell laughed so hard he fell off his chair, shattering the cronial ligaments in his little finger.
Rafa ended the call, as the room quietened down. He could see the funny side, “eet is not true about thee pooper ee scooper joo know, for sure. But anyway back to the point. Jamie and Stevie you have some eexplaining to ee do. Jamie, come to the front.” With a guilty look on his face, Carragher strolled to the front of the room and, knowing the answer to his question, asked inevitably, “Whor is it gaffer”
“Oooh I think joo know.” Rafa said angrily. “Joo say to me, in front of luis, jour trainers are a leaving present from stevie.” All the faces in the room centred on ste gerrard, who was bright red and flushed with embarrassment. “So stevie…what ees it?” asked rafa.
Stevie stood up ready to make the announcement, looking nervous and uneasy.
Luis turned up and looked at his friend xabi with a beaming smile on his face. “I will wipe thees smile off a your face, for sure” rafa announced in his scariest voice. “But gaffer, eet was not more than a little jokey.” Luis turned away from Rafa and Xabi and let rip the loudest fart anfield has ever heard. Xabi ran screaming from the office, covering his nose with his shirt, arms waiving shouting “eees no good, the shmell’s too bad.”
Rafa’s face started to turn blue. “Luis, have you been drinking the sangrilla?” Garcia nodded mischievously and did his best puppy dog impression. “I’m a’ sorry boss, but you see I eh make thees little bet with mama, if we get past Juve I pour the custard on xabi.”
At that very moment jamie carragher came bursting in through the door, horrified and pointing at his nike sneakers. “Gaffer, like erm y’know erm, like me trainers ‘av been filled with this runny porridge ‘ere like, erm I’m not ‘appy bout it like, erm.” Just then Jamie noticed luis was there, and started to fume with rage. “Ya spotty little git, these ‘ere were a leaving present from stevie, now whor am a do with em?”
“A WHAT?” Rafa bellowed.
“Erm, nothing gaffer, forget I said anything. Infact I, err have to go now, like erm.” Rafa turned purple with rage. “That ees it, I have had eeenough, there will be an eemergency meeting tomorrow at melwood, I ee will make sure evereeone ees there.”
“But, like tomorrow gaffer me and stevie were gone go to a café like to say good..oh nothin’ like, erm.”
The next day, at melwood all the players have assembled for the meeting. Rafa walks to the front of the room, notebook in hand. He looks down at his pad. “I have ee number of contherns, infact I have leested them on thees pad I have. Firthtly, Luis you have been a naughty boy, and as such Sangrilla is banned from the players lounge for a month.” A cry of ‘jess’ was heard coming from xabi alonso, who was in deep conversation with Jamie over how to get back as luis.
Before Rafa could continue his speech, his phone rang. He apologized to the room and answered the call, unawares speakerphone was switched on. “Hello, who ees it?” rafa asked. “Good morning darling, it is your wife, I was jus’ calling to make sure joo have bought the pooper scooper, I so chate jusing my hands to cleer up jour dog.” The room filled with raptures of laughter, and harry kewell laughed so hard he fell off his chair, shattering the cronial ligaments in his little finger.
Rafa ended the call, as the room quietened down. He could see the funny side, “eet is not true about thee pooper ee scooper joo know, for sure. But anyway back to the point. Jamie and Stevie you have some eexplaining to ee do. Jamie, come to the front.” With a guilty look on his face, Carragher strolled to the front of the room and, knowing the answer to his question, asked inevitably, “Whor is it gaffer”
“Oooh I think joo know.” Rafa said angrily. “Joo say to me, in front of luis, jour trainers are a leaving present from stevie.” All the faces in the room centred on ste gerrard, who was bright red and flushed with embarrassment. “So stevie…what ees it?” asked rafa.
Stevie stood up ready to make the announcement, looking nervous and uneasy.
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