Somewhere in the outer regions of Lincoln Rhode Island, a solitary man is working by candlelight as he is preparing his manifesto on post it notes for his return home. Inspired by the sounds of Shyla Stylez being anally fisted by Andre the Giant playing in the background, he begins his work
How the hell did that fit up there? Oh my God.......................she's not going to be able to take a shit until 2013..................Ok, back to work here. I've got 10 post it notes full of stuff that I want to bring up if, and when I come back.
Let me see if I got this right. Things to do upon my return.
Aaron- Tell him that his beard makes him look like Kris Kringle from "Santa Claus is coming to Town". Check
Dusan- Hmmm. telling me you love me in e-mails kinda freaks me out a little. no...............not a little......................... a lot.
Oh, look, a Zumba Commercial.......................4 easy payments of 19.99?!?!?!?! And a Dance Mat!!!!!!!!!!. Shhiiiiiiiitttttttttt.................................... 9.........5..........4............9.......2......5..........3.........7...........5..........5.......................Yes, Hello???? That's right. last 4 numbers are 1570. Question, the bling logo earrings...........they're in stock?...........Do they come in men's styles?..................Oh, I see. No, that's fine...................... I'll take 3 pair.
Ok, back to my notes
Jack- IF his child starts sweating Ragu and hums Dean Martin at the most inopportune moments, please stress to him that I didn't know who she was. All swedish bombshells look the same. It wan't my fault.
Burke- Tell him for the 27th time in the past 2 days that he wasn't the reason why things happened the way they did. He can stop mailing me his underwear now.
SOCKS!!!!!!
Dru- Make mention to him that it is amazing how he has managed to pass himself off as a white man in the south. Seems that the one thing that isn't bigger in Texas is the average IQ.
Deneb- Try to tell him gently that with each new picture, his head is getting bigger. Roids are bad, I thought he was smarter than that.
Man vs. Food!! Man Vs. Food!!! What the hell is he eating?? How is this guy not dead already........................
Rab- He needs to come and pick up his jewel encrusted dildo. Its stuck to the surface of my nightstand, and I can't keep telling my wife that its a broken lava lamp
Greg- Mention to him ever so delicately that I do know how to read, this "delicate flower" has sprouted thorns, and I hope he dives face first into a bag of powdered sugar
Burke- Tell him for the 27th..................................wait..............oh no. Who moved my notes around?!?!?! Fuck.
Sabet and Hoori- Try no to say anything sexual. Ok................................................................................................................................I want them both. At the same time. In an elevator. With Marvin Gaye playing in the background and a bubble machine in the corner. Bubbles!! hee hee.
Pado- Tell him to fumigate the entire house. Mrs. Pado's Shoes weren't the only thing my unit was in. No, please don't reach for the Miracle Whip, don't.....................................................sigh................................
Sheik Yourbouti. Yeah, you have a chance with Hoori. Yeah. No.
Andy- Now that I've come back, he better get me those naked pics of his mom. Oh hold on, I already have some. Yeah, Mrs. Beck, you cougar you. Ooooohhhhh, Kitty's got claws, don't you.
Ok, I think that does it. Should I really do this? Should I go all in again? Do I tell them everything that has been going on? The real reasons why things happened the way they did? Yes, I do miss them. All of them. But I don't know. Would they even want me to come back? Decisions, Decisions................................................I better think this through before I hit the "Submit" Butt..................................................................................................................................................
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Something told me you might visit us like Santa.
Now that you mention it, Deneb has been transforming from Bill Bixby to Lou Ferrigno lately. Which explains why he's deaf half the time.
