Why their football is better than our football (1 Viewer)

[Dragon]

Why our football is better than their football

The World Cup is over, and NFL training camps open in less than three weeks, which got the FOX Funhouse staff thinking about why we like our football better than the world's football ...

Much better looking trophy given to the champions.

Overtime is sudden death ... first to score, wins.

Championships not decided by the random guessing game that is a penalty kick.

Though it has yet to happen, a Super Bowl champion would be decided in sudden-death overtime.

We won't have to wait another four years for a new Super Bowl champion.

No third-place game played before the Super Bowl.

The French aren't any good at our football.

Football has cheerleaders.

Football has cheerleaders who wear revealing clothing.

No need to make apologies when you tell friends you're a football fan.

Players only carried off field on stretchers for real, serious injuries.

There's no "magic spray" in football.

Our football players can use their hands, and feet, and whatever else they feel like using.

Prevent defense only played in final couple minutes, rather than 90 minutes.

Games not decided by penalty kicks, only kicks that are made by an undersized kicker being pursued by hulking 300-pound behemoths.

In our football, kickers get poked fun of. (Jamie Squire / Getty Images)

Kickers in football are viewed as small and weak, and everybody makes fun of them.

Roughing the kicker penalty doesn't give a team a free shot at a touchdown.

There's no pretending to be fouled.

There's no pretending to be hurt.

A blowout isn't 2-0.

Ties rarely ever happen.

Offsides rule in football easier to understand than offsides rule in soccer.

The U.S. would never lose to Ghana in a game of football.

Fat guys can play.

Unlimited substitutions in football make for a faster, and therefore, better game.

Breaks in play allow for much-needed bathroom breaks.

Bone-crushing hits in our football are considered highlights and applauded. Bone-crushing hits in soccer get players reprimanded, red cards and immediate ejections.

With obvious exception of Philly and Oakland, very few hooligans.

As amazing as this is to admit in light of the 2006 Super Bowl, referees are more competent in our football.

We know exactly how much time is remaining in the game at all times.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/5774072?FSO1&ATT=HCP&GT1=8393

 

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[ßöмßäяðîëя]

ZZZzzzZZZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZzzzzZZZ

 

[K10]

u use ur hands to tackle
u use ur hands to pass
u use ur hands to catch


yet they call it football.

 

[Enron]

I like baseball better.

 

[swag]

Something like this deserves a rebuttal...

Why our football is better than their football

The World Cup is over, and NFL training camps open in less than three weeks, which got the FOX Funhouse staff thinking about why we like our football better than the world's football ...

Much better looking trophy given to the champions.

Agreed. That damn trophy is really hideous. It could only improve if they made it out of chocolate covered in gold foil, and the winning team eats it on the podium.

Overtime is sudden death ... first to score, wins.

Scores which are almost inevitably kicks made by former soccer players.

Championships not decided by the random guessing game that is a penalty kick.

Sudden death encourages teams to wimp out as soon as they think they're in field goal range. So instead of teams going for the jugular, we get this hashmark-positioning dance and intentional underachievement to win a game to set up, you guessed it, the one guy on the team who has previously played semi-pro soccer.

But have you seen the joke they call overtime in college football? It makes penalty kicks seem actually relevant by comparison -- instead of a pickup game of tiddly winks.

Though it has yet to happen, a Super Bowl champion would be decided in sudden-death overtime.

Though we run a high risk of missing it during a beer commercial.

We won't have to wait another four years for a new Super Bowl champion.

Apparently Fox hasn't heard of club football.

No third-place game played before the Super Bowl.

It would otherwise get in the way of that important two week playing hiatus for a self-indulgent, pointless media circus.

The French aren't any good at our football.

Important, since they are much worse athletes than 400-pound Samoans.

Football has cheerleaders.

Some of which, as in college games, are men.

Football has cheerleaders who wear revealing clothing.

Some of which, as in college games, are men. (I know this piques Erik's interest, but it doesn't sell more beer.)

No need to make apologies when you tell friends you're a football fan.

However, there is a need to explain to the world's 6 billion other people why you call it "football".

Players only carried off field on stretchers for real, serious injuries.

...in manly golf carts, no less.

There's no "magic spray" in football.

Just Magic Markers.

Oh, and btw, helmets are uncool for bikers. And they're just as uncool for football players.

Our football players can use their hands, and feet, and whatever else they feel like using.

For about 10 seconds, and then spend the rest of the remaining minute taking a powder.

Prevent defense only played in final couple minutes, rather than 90 minutes.

Of which those final couple minutes literally lasts 90 real-time minutes.

Games not decided by penalty kicks, only kicks that are made by an undersized kicker being pursued by hulking 300-pound behemoths.

Who still invariably learned how to play in that other football.

In our football, kickers get poked fun of. (Jamie Squire / Getty Images)

In our football, we call the game "football" and yet more than one player actually puts their foot on it during play.

Kickers in football are viewed as small and weak, and everybody makes fun of them.

And yet the sport's smallest and weakest players are invariably the top scorers of the league.

Roughing the kicker penalty doesn't give a team a free shot at a touchdown.

However, even players ejected for first-degree murder on the field get to be replaced -- as the offending team could not physically cope with, let alone exist, being a man down.

There's no pretending to be fouled.

Unless it's a roughing the kicker or roughing the passer penalty... Hmmm. Now how coincidental is that?!

There's no pretending to be hurt.

...because players break for tea after 10 seconds of play, there's no need to rest.

A blowout isn't 2-0.

Because there's a Chinese menu of scoring opportunities that must be consulted first.

Ties rarely ever happen.

Because overtime is typically decided by a coin toss, an election to receive, and an underachieving gallop to quit at about the 20 yard line to try a field goal.

Offsides rule in football easier to understand than offsides rule in soccer.

And yet the rules state that only one player can be in motion on the team with the ball at any given time.

The U.S. would never lose to Ghana in a game of football.

I wouldn't bet money on that, given our baseball dominance over a nation like Cuba, loaded with big league star names.

Fat guys can play.

Fat guys can't play. Unless you're Ronaldo.

Unlimited substitutions in football make for a faster, and therefore, better game.

Which only partially makes up for the 80% of every minute spent standing around. And if your three subs are up, tough luck if you lost your spleen on the pitch -- you're not getting a sub.

Breaks in play allow for much-needed bathroom breaks.

And an endless assault of bad beer, truck, and financial services commercials.

Bone-crushing hits in our football are considered highlights and applauded. Bone-crushing hits in soccer get players reprimanded, red cards and immediate ejections.

Like Joe "Turkey" Jones on the Browns against Terry Bradshaw? Or do you mean the penalties and possible ejections for helmets to the head? There are good and bad crushing tackles in both sports.

With obvious exception of Philly and Oakland, very few hooligans.

For a sport that thinks of itself as so tough, many of their fans would fear for their lives before attending one of our football matches.

Our fans sing songs in unison, light flares, throw quarter sticks of dynamite (and bags of urine). Your fans wear giant sponge hands saying "We're #1" -- or hold placards for the TV cameras with retarded sayings using the initials of the broadcaster's network, whoring yourselves in public view.

As amazing as this is to admit in light of the 2006 Super Bowl, referees are more competent in our football.

Which is why all the video replays, delays of game to review calls, etc.

We know exactly how much time is remaining in the game at all times.

Players and fans do not feel insecure if they do not know the time to the fraction of a second. There's no reason for referees to put up a façade of split-second accuracy to appease fans who can't tell time.

 

[Boudz]

Americans will never understand how come the whole world wont take interest in their pad-wearing, ass-slapping, egg-shaped ball throwing piece of shit of a game. they try so hard to market it but no-one cares and it pisses them off, so they go ahead and make a list of ways that "SOCCER" sucks. face it the U.S NT sux.
FIFA have helped them by putting them in the top 10 rankings (#5) so that when the general public go online and search the only thing they can think of is FIFA.com they see that the U.S is ranked 5th and they'd be like "dude were number 5 in the world, were better than Italy, we gotta watch some more SOCCER so that maybe FIFA can make some more money"
But wait Mexico are in the same region as the U.S and theyre always better how can the U.S be #5?
FIFA REPLIES "hold on we've taken care of that!! Mexico are 4th!!"
You wanna be taken serious? stop calling it SOCCER!! its football, you can call ur football american football like the rest of the world or you can call SOCCER Planet Earth football, or world football or heck even European football but for God sake stop calling it SOCCER!!

 

[Boudz]

also Swag Excellent rebuttal

 

[Byrone]

@ Greg + rep,why are always so right all the damn time.

 

[Manuel]

 

[Byrone]

Nice stuff Bardock.

 

[peckface]

Awh swag, that was a good read.

 

[Torkel]

We know exactly how much time is remaining in the game at all times.

This is a weird statement, in a "soccer" match you know how long's left give or take a few minutes, in a "football" match one team can run a lot and use up the clock; making it impossible to know how long's left to play. From a viewer perspective this makes it impossible to know how long's left of what you're watching.

I love both sports, and both have their flaws. American football's biggest flaw is the commercial breaks. They've gotten out of hand. Thank God we get the games live, and without commercials the day later over here.

 

[Bjerknes]

Americans will never understand how come the whole world wont take interest in their pad-wearing, ass-slapping, egg-shaped ball throwing piece of shit of a game. they try so hard to market it but no-one cares and it pisses them off, so they go ahead and make a list of ways that "SOCCER" sucks. face it the U.S NT sux.
FIFA have helped them by putting them in the top 10 rankings (#5) so that when the general public go online and search the only thing they can think of is FIFA.com they see that the U.S is ranked 5th and they'd be like "dude were number 5 in the world, were better than Italy, we gotta watch some more SOCCER so that maybe FIFA can make some more money"
But wait Mexico are in the same region as the U.S and theyre always better how can the U.S be #5?
FIFA REPLIES "hold on we've taken care of that!! Mexico are 4th!!"
You wanna be taken serious? stop calling it SOCCER!! its football, you can call ur football american football like the rest of the world or you can call SOCCER Planet Earth football, or world football or heck even European football but for God sake stop calling it SOCCER!!

Wow, I have never heard any of that before.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

I know, for real.

 

[Dragon]

Something like this deserves a rebuttal...



Agreed. That damn trophy is really hideous. It could only improve if they made it out of chocolate covered in gold foil, and the winning team eats it on the podium.

Some of which, as in college games, are men.



Some of which, as in college games, are men. (I know this piques Erik's interest, but it doesn't sell more beer.)


...in manly golf carts, no less.


Of which those final couple minutes literally lasts 90 real-time minutes.


Because there's a Chinese menu of scoring opportunities that must be consulted first.

Our fans sing songs in unison, light flares, throw quarter sticks of dynamite (and bags of urine). Your fans wear giant sponge hands saying "We're #1" -- or hold placards for the TV cameras with retarded sayings using the initials of the broadcaster's network, whoring yourselves in public view.

Great job Greg! Perhaps you should email this rebuttal to those guys at Fox

 

[swag]

also Swag Excellent rebuttal

Thanks. It helps that I'm an American though.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

You arent an American, you are a cafone.

 

[swag]

And I've got the styrofoam prosciutto to prove it, buddy.

 

[Lilianna]

And I've got the styrofoam prosciutto to prove it, buddy.

don't tell me that's you?

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

That is Padovano.


This is the Gregger.