New Rules (1 Viewer)

[Enron]

This is my favorite part of comedian Bill Maher's show Real Time, in which panelist usually two liberals and a conservative or two conervatives and a liberal discuss topics of the week while Maher moderates. At the end of the show he has the New Rules section, which is basically a rant. I will post them as they come in weekly (show is Friday 11pm EST). Here goes.

 

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[Enron]

September 8, 2006
New Rule: Police cars have too many lights. The car on "Dragnet" had one light. On "Adam 12," two lights. These days, police cars have blinking lights, rotating lights, strobe lights. "Car 54, Where Are You?" "Studio 54, where are you?!" I don't know if I'm being arrested or invited to a rave! If the LAPD caught Rodney King today, they'd probably beat him with Glow Sticks.

New Rule: America must regain its scientific edge by designing and building a Space Shuttle that can fly in the rain. It's covered in tiles. So's my shower, and it works.

New Rule: Jennifer Lopez has to start comparing Jessica Beil's ass to Hitler. It's clear that Jessica Beil is developing a "weapon of ass destruction"–that threatens J-Lo's ass dominance. You think you can appease this ass, J-Lo? No. It must be confronted–with force. On Pay-Per-View. We'll call it "The Junk-in-the-Trunk versus the Badonkadunk."

New Rule: It's not a freak accident when a stingray stings someone. It's called a "stingray," not a "hugray" or a "kissray." A "stingray." It's not at the bottom of the ocean thinking, "I wish an Australian with a cable show would rub on me." Swimming next to one is like hunting duck with Dick Cheney or marrying Robert Blake.

New Rule: Women can't get mad at men for not noticing their new handbag. Yes, I'm sure it matches your shoes. I just don't care, because I'm not gay. You want to buy an accessory that we'll really notice? Try fake tits.

And finally, New Rule: Bad presidents happen to good people. Amid all the 9/11 anniversary talk about what will keep us safe, let me suggest that, in a world turned hostile to America, the smartest message we can send to those beyond our shores is, "We're not with stupid."

Therefore, I maintain that ridiculing this president is now the most patriotic thing you can possibly do. Wait. Let the word go forth to our allies and our enemies alike. Let them know that there's a whole swath of Americans desperate to distance themselves from George Bush. And that's just Republicans running for re-election.

Now, America is an easily misunderstood country these days. A lot of the time, it's hard to make out what we're saying over the bombs we're dropping. But the world needs to know that most Americans don't think that putting a boot in your ass is the way to solve problems. Because even allowing that my foot lodged in your ass would feel good, which I don't–what then? Okay, my boot is in your ass, but I can't get it out, so I'm not happy. And it's in you, so you're not happy. There's no exit strategy.

If I could - if I could explain one thing about George Bush to the rest of the world, it's this: we don't know what the f*ck he's saying either! Trust me, there's nothing lost in translation! It's just as incoherent in the original English. George Bush just turned out to be one of those things that's very popular for a few years, and then almost overnight becomes completely embarrassing. Like leg-warmers or white people going, "Oh, no, you di-n't." Or invading Iraq.

Honestly, maybe the reason they haven't attacked us again is they figure we're already suffering enough. No, it pains me to say these things because I know, deep down, George Bush has something extra. A chromosome. Wait, wait, wait. You see, wait. I did that on purpose. Was it cruel? Maybe. But it saved lives, dammit!

Because by doing the "extra chromosome" joke, I sent a message to a young Muslim somewhere in the world who is on a slow-burn about this country, and perhaps got him to think, "Huh, maybe the people of America aren't so bad. Maybe it's just that rodeo clown who leads them." "Maybe the people get it!" We do, Ahmed, we do!!

So, while honoring the anniversary of September, 2001, we must also never forget January, 2000. That's when then governor George Bush said, "I know how hard it is to put food on your family." The world changed on 9/11. He didn't. That's why we owe it to ourselves and to our children to never stop pointing out that George W. Bush is a gruesome boob.

 

[Enron]

September 15, 2006

New Rule: Someone must tell President Bush where his heart is. [photo shown of President Bush and Laura Bush; she has hand over her heart; he has his hand over his stomach] Great, now with the other hand, tap your head and say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper, rubber baby buggy bumper." Most people don't clutch the wrong organ, but then again, most people don't invade the wrong country.

New Rule: The next Democratic candidate for president must not wait until after the election to show us his balls. Al Gore didn't make the environment an issue while running for president. But now that his only job is walking his dog--he's all over it. And this week, John Kerry says he's now prepared to kick the asses of the Swift Boat vets who smeared him. A little late, John. Who's running your campaign? FEMA?

New Rule: Americans are dumber than anyone realizes. Mike Judge's new movie, "Idiocracy," about a future America where everyone is really stupid, has been dumped by Fox because test audiences didn't get the joke. Because they were too stupid to understand a movie about stupid people! Just when you think you've hit the bottom of the stupid barrel, you find out there's another barrel right underneath it.

New Rule: The Saddam Hussein trial has to do what all other TV shows do when they get stuck in a rut: bring in Heather Locklear. Goodbye, WMD's, hello, MILF. MILF, yeah, they know, MILF.

New Rule: When married rock stars have sex with other women, it's not cheating. Sorry, rock star wives, if you want a faithful husband, marry a guy with fewer options. That's why you don't see too many concert-goers screaming, "Monogamy, drugs and rock 'n' roll!" Hell, I've been to concerts where, during the show, the rock stars actually called out the wrong city's name! "Cleveland!"

And finally, New Rule: If you're going to give God credit for all that's right with the world, like the flowers and the trees and large, brown nipples—sorry, Pat Buchanan—then you have to admit that God is responsible for the bad stuff, too, like tsunamis and ringworm, and that bad marijuana crop in '82 that gave everyone a headache.

Now, this past week, for the fifth anniversary of 9/11, President Bush pronounced three days of prayer and mourning. Prayer for the victims, and mourning for his old approval ratings. Of course, Mr. Bush's team always does breathe easier whenever a moment of silence is required, because even President Dyslexia can't screw up a moment of silence. Except if he put his hand on his stomach - never mind.

And speaking of silence, when did bagpipes become the official instruments of mourning? These ceremonies are depressing enough without hearing all that Scottish farting in the background.

But I just don't get it. Why, when pointless horror strikes and God smacks us around, we go to church more! It's like we're Tina Turner and God is Ike!

How come, when things go well, it's "Hallelujah!" But when they go bad, it's still, "Hallelujah!"? People can endure an endless series of Job-like hardships: their house is shredded by a tornado, their car is in a tree, the family is wiped out... "But God spared my ceramic lawn deer, thank you, Jesus!"

And we put the blame on ourselves, and say that whatever cruel, random crap happened to us happened because "God works in mysterious ways...too mysterious for stupid me to understand."

Well, sorry, but I think a little more of myself and my fellow humans than that. I don't know the answers to the big cosmic questions. No one does. But I do know there's no reason for a cleft lip or a mine collapsing, or all that traffic on the 101.

Mysterious ways? You know what else works in mysterious ways? A microwave. It stays cool but the food gets hot! It's a mystery! Let's worship it. No, let's not. Let's not thank God for His mercy or blame Him when you die from eating bad spinach. On the fifth anniversary of the national day of prayer and remembrance, let's put the blame for September 11th squarely where it belongs: on our new enemy, Iran. The bombing starts three weeks before the mid-terms, God willing.

All right, thank you very much, folks. You did a heck of a job. That's our show. I want to thank my guests, Michael McKean, Gloria Steinem, Clark Kent Ervin, Christiane Amanpour, Pat Buchanan. Don't forget, we're coming to Washington, D.C., on October 6th. Thank you, folks.

 

[mikhail]

Pretty good.

 

[el_02]

 

[swag]

Nice, E. I like the Sep 8th ones a little more.

Yeargh! :eyepatch:

 

[Morra10]

Nice, E. I like the Sep 8th ones a little more.

Yeargh! :eyepatch:

swag did u lose a bet or something? whats with the yeargh ! :eyepatch: after everything u say?

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

pirates are cool

 

[Hambon]

:rofl2: lovin it bro...keep it up

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

Quality.......

Love you, dog.

 

[mikhail]

swag did u lose a bet or something? whats with the yeargh ! :eyepatch: after everything u say?

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

 

[Lilith]

Some of these are great!

 

[Enron]

I'll update this every week or so. Hopefully it will give some interesting insight into current topics as well as a good laugh.

 

[Enron]

September 22, 2006

All right. New Rule: It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, but not when it comes to a man's own member. A man in China who received the first successful penis transplant had to go back to have his doctor cut it off because his wife didn't like the new one. That's right. She was literally a ball-buster. This — this poor guy lost his penis in what the news account called a "traumatic accident." You think? And his doctors somehow convinced the parents of a brain-dead man to donate their son's penis. They attached it in a delicate, 15-hour operation. And then Wifey says, "Hmm, I don't think so." And people wonder why I'm not married.

New Rule: Hungary and Thailand, and any other country thinking about having a coup, had better figure it out for themselves, because all our troops are busy directing traffic in Fallujah. Thanks to President "Numbnuts" and his father issues we don't have the men to guard Biloxi! So every other place on earth except Iraq, "Walk it off." Thailand and Hungary, until we run out of gypsies, sex workers, goulash and smack, you're on your own.

New Rule: It's okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It seems like in every commercial on TV, it's always the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, knows the best car rental company, knows the best place to buy music. You know, black people aren't always smarter than white people. It just seems that way by comparison. [slide shown of Rumsfeld, Powell, Bush and Cheney]

New Rule: Bring back lamps where the switch is on the actual lamp and not three feet down the cord! How come we used to be able to make lamps with an on-off switch where you'd naturally look for it? You know, on the part I like to call, "the lamp." But now it's on the cord? Did we lose the technology? I'm going to fight this. I'm going to bring back the lamp with the switch where it belongs, or my name's not Andy Rooney.

And finally, New Rule: Until we win World War III and crush the "evil doers," in what our president calls "a struggle for civilization," all law enforcement people have to work on that and not on busting Willie Nelson.

This week, Willie Nelson, who Donald Rumsfeld calls "the number-two man in Al Qaeda," was the victim of a pointless search that revealed he had with him a mere pound and a half of marijuana. And a fifth of a pound of psychedelic mushrooms. Or as Willie calls it, "breakfast."

Yes, that's right. Cops in Louisiana this week hassled Willie Nelson, demanded he cut his hair, and shot Peter Fonda off his motorcycle. I mean, come on, Louisiana. Your state was underwater a year ago. If the man wants some of it for his bong, let him. Yes, he had mushrooms; he's a hundred-year-old hippie; they were growing in his hair!

Are we trying to send the message to other aging celebrities who might be thinking about recreational drug use? Watch out, Wilford Brimley! Alberto Gonzales wants to know what you're sprinkling on your Quaker Oats.

Let us not forget the president's words, all 12 of them. "This country," he said, "is in a fight against a lethal enemy...spinach." Which, by the way, Willie also used to smoke. But he gave it up around the time Bush got off the coke. You see, everybody's got something.

But if there's one drug above all we should be cracking down on, it's oil. Oil is the addiction. That is the addiction poisoning our lungs and our political system and our foreign policy. Willie Nelson, high though he might have been, was on a bus that didn't pollute anything, because it runs on biodiesel. But biodiesel threatens the profits of big oil, which means the only way we're ever going to legalize pot is to convince Bush and Cheney it's a petroleum product. And it may be. All my bongs have a carburetor.

Hemp is another product that threatens oil and timber profits because it has so many uses, like rope and biofuel and textiles. The Declaration of Independence is written on it. President Bush could use it to make another "Mission Accomplished" banner. If he could only accomplish a mission.

But that's hard when you lose focus. So let's focus on defending America and leave the singers and the medical marijuana patients alone. Because, believe me, when you bite into one of their special baked goods, in about 20 minutes, you'll be saying, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie!"

 

[.zero]

nice i like these rants

 

[Rami]

And these rants are conclusions he drew from the mindless babbling of the politicians??

 

[Gill_juve]

nice i like these rants

hello, when did you join xtremefotballfans?

 

[.zero]

hello, when did you join xtremefotballfans?

back in july when i joined this forum

 

[Enron]

And these rants are conclusions he drew from the mindless babbling of the politicians??

Yeah, mostly. He uses a lot of sarcasm and irony, but he adds his own insight to make the poiticians look like boobs. His show is actually a panel of people from different parties and opinions and they argue over current issues. He also interviews 2 guests a show via satelite.

 

[Rami]

Yeah, mostly. He uses a lot of sarcasm and irony, but he adds his own insight to make the poiticians look like boobs. His show is actually a panel of people from different parties and opinions and they argue over current issues. He also interviews 2 guests a show via satelite.

This is when youtube.com comes in handy