The latest issue of Calcio Italia (you've used the Channel 4 Web site, right?!) is their annual season preview, which is always a good issue. Rosters, statistics, and predictions. One of the more amusing things they introduced this year was a small section on each team that says "if [insert Serie A team] were a [insert noun]..."
I'm sure we can come up with far better ones, and not just Serie A teams. Below are the examples from the magazine. My favorite is Roma, of course. (Where's Nicole when you need her?
) Followed by Inter, Treviso...
So let's hear 'em!
I'm sure we can come up with far better ones, and not just Serie A teams. Below are the examples from the magazine. My favorite is Roma, of course. (Where's Nicole when you need her?
) Followed by Inter, Treviso...So let's hear 'em!
If Ascoli were...
...a car it would be a Robin Reliant -- you just know they are going to be left behind. {Shows picture of three-wheeled vehicle.}
If Calgari were...
...a plant they'd be a Venus Flytrap. {And not the DJ from WKRP in Cincinnati. } Expected to sit back passively, they instead wait for opponents to attack before spreading their jaws and pouncing. Many a big club has fallen into this trap and failed to realise just how quick and powerful they were until it was too late.
If Chievo were...
...a staff night out they would be a karaoke evening. Initially highly entertaining and generally well received by all, but ultimately destined to fizzle out and prove disappointing.
If Empoli were...
...a soap opera they would be Neighbours. Nobody admits to watching them and most know very little about the cast. However, every once in a while they unearth a star who goes on to bigger and better things.
If Fiorentina were...
...a form of music they would be rock and roll. Guaranteed to make you sit up and take notice, and never a dull moment in its history. But probably fair to say that its heyday came in the 1950's.
If Inter were...
...a movie franchise they would be Batman. They had their hey-day in the 1960's before returning with a major hit in 1989. Since then they have constantly been splashing the cash in a vain attempt to reproduce that success. Now in 2005 both are back with a talented cast and a more realistic approach -- but will things go as scripted?
If Juventus were...
...a Formula 1 team they would be Ferrari. The Prancing Horse has undoubtedly the same winning mentality as the team from Turin. If Ross Brawn, Jean Todt and Co suffer a bad year, they tend to bounce back the next even stronger -- a trait the Bianconeri share with their motor-racing cousins. The fact that both the Bianconeri and Ferrari have the same owners helps somewhat. :thumb:
If Lazio were...
...a London landmark they would be the Millenium Dome. Both have had large amounts of cash thrown at them, but since their moment of glory in 2000 they have been out of the limelight. Now however sensible plans seem to be in place to secure a brighter future for both -- Lazio's move towards bringing in and developing younger talent and the Dome as a venue at the 2012 Olympics.
If Lecce were...
...a Hollywood actress they would be Halle Berry -- at their best capable of putting in an Oscar winning performance but equally capable of appearing in a turkey.
If Livorno were...
...an animal they would be a camel. Despite their ugly appearance they serve their purpose well and you're always guaranteed a bumpy ride.
If Messina were...
...a parlour trick they'd be the throwing a rolled-up ball of paper into a bin that is on the other side of the room. Part of you admires the skill, but another wants to bet against him being able to do that twice.
If Milan were...
...an athlete they would be an Olympic medal winner. Focused at the start, smooth during the race and still in contention on the last lap, ending the race on the podium. {... and proudly displaying their silver medals. }
If Palermo were...
...a household object they would be a weathervane. Constantly changing direction and wavering to the whims of the wind, yet standing proud with head raised, as if the 180 degree turn had been their intention all along.
If Parma were...
...a cartoon character it would be Wile E Coyote. Just as the cheeky coyote was always so close to catching the Roadrunner, so too Parma throughout the 1990's just couldn't capture their elusive prize -- Lo Scudetto. And having plummeted to the foot of the table in a puff of smoke last season, they miraculously returned via a play-off to maintain their Serie A status.
If Reggina were...
...a fashion item they would be a bobbly woolen hat that your granny knitted. Uncomfortable, unfashionable and regularly ridiculed but, on a cold, winter Serie A day, they do the job they were designed for.
If Roma were...
...a stage of life they would be adolescence. Bursting with ideas, imagination and potential but often let down by a surly temperament leaving them prone to long bouts of moping and self-pity. If they can finally grow up then big things can be expected in the future. {Picture of dorky-looking kid with cap backwards and hair in his face.}
If Sampdoria were...
...a car they would be a Volvo -- not particularly attractive but reliable and well-built. They may not always be everyone's first choice to look at but the lights will always be on under Walter Novellino.
If Siena were...
...a car they would be a Mini Cooper. Small, lightweight and a bit past their sell-by date, they both still manage to compete with their larger, more powerful rivals. Their size and age gives both a quirky retro appeal and an abundance of personality. Like a Mini, while their fans may be reduced to a near cult-like status {I witnessed the "cult" first hand in the Piazza del Campo after their salvezza season-ending home game against Juve in '04...talk about a public party}, few can be said to truly dislike the Tuscan minnows.
If Treviso were...
...a bird they'd be a vulture. Unable to capture promotion the regular way, they filled themselves with Serie A glory by picking over the bones of Genoa's rapidly rotting carcass.
If Udinese were...
...a TV presenter they would be David Dickinson. Always on the Bargain Hunt, both constantly unearth some right Bobby Dazzlers, many of them cheap as chips. Excellent at looking after antiques and Nestor Sensini, David would have been a big fan of Udinese's recent tan-orange away strip.
...a car it would be a Robin Reliant -- you just know they are going to be left behind. {Shows picture of three-wheeled vehicle.}
If Calgari were...
...a plant they'd be a Venus Flytrap. {And not the DJ from WKRP in Cincinnati.
} Expected to sit back passively, they instead wait for opponents to attack before spreading their jaws and pouncing. Many a big club has fallen into this trap and failed to realise just how quick and powerful they were until it was too late.If Chievo were...
...a staff night out they would be a karaoke evening. Initially highly entertaining and generally well received by all, but ultimately destined to fizzle out and prove disappointing.
If Empoli were...
...a soap opera they would be Neighbours. Nobody admits to watching them and most know very little about the cast. However, every once in a while they unearth a star who goes on to bigger and better things.
If Fiorentina were...
...a form of music they would be rock and roll. Guaranteed to make you sit up and take notice, and never a dull moment in its history. But probably fair to say that its heyday came in the 1950's.
If Inter were...
...a movie franchise they would be Batman. They had their hey-day in the 1960's before returning with a major hit in 1989. Since then they have constantly been splashing the cash in a vain attempt to reproduce that success. Now in 2005 both are back with a talented cast and a more realistic approach -- but will things go as scripted?
If Juventus were...
...a Formula 1 team they would be Ferrari. The Prancing Horse has undoubtedly the same winning mentality as the team from Turin. If Ross Brawn, Jean Todt and Co suffer a bad year, they tend to bounce back the next even stronger -- a trait the Bianconeri share with their motor-racing cousins. The fact that both the Bianconeri and Ferrari have the same owners helps somewhat. :thumb:
If Lazio were...
...a London landmark they would be the Millenium Dome. Both have had large amounts of cash thrown at them, but since their moment of glory in 2000 they have been out of the limelight. Now however sensible plans seem to be in place to secure a brighter future for both -- Lazio's move towards bringing in and developing younger talent and the Dome as a venue at the 2012 Olympics.
If Lecce were...
...a Hollywood actress they would be Halle Berry -- at their best capable of putting in an Oscar winning performance but equally capable of appearing in a turkey.
If Livorno were...
...an animal they would be a camel. Despite their ugly appearance they serve their purpose well and you're always guaranteed a bumpy ride.
If Messina were...
...a parlour trick they'd be the throwing a rolled-up ball of paper into a bin that is on the other side of the room. Part of you admires the skill, but another wants to bet against him being able to do that twice.
If Milan were...
...an athlete they would be an Olympic medal winner. Focused at the start, smooth during the race and still in contention on the last lap, ending the race on the podium. {... and proudly displaying their silver medals.
}If Palermo were...
...a household object they would be a weathervane. Constantly changing direction and wavering to the whims of the wind, yet standing proud with head raised, as if the 180 degree turn had been their intention all along.
If Parma were...
...a cartoon character it would be Wile E Coyote. Just as the cheeky coyote was always so close to catching the Roadrunner, so too Parma throughout the 1990's just couldn't capture their elusive prize -- Lo Scudetto. And having plummeted to the foot of the table in a puff of smoke last season, they miraculously returned via a play-off to maintain their Serie A status.
If Reggina were...
...a fashion item they would be a bobbly woolen hat that your granny knitted. Uncomfortable, unfashionable and regularly ridiculed but, on a cold, winter Serie A day, they do the job they were designed for.
If Roma were...
...a stage of life they would be adolescence. Bursting with ideas, imagination and potential but often let down by a surly temperament leaving them prone to long bouts of moping and self-pity. If they can finally grow up then big things can be expected in the future. {Picture of dorky-looking kid with cap backwards and hair in his face.}
If Sampdoria were...
...a car they would be a Volvo -- not particularly attractive but reliable and well-built. They may not always be everyone's first choice to look at but the lights will always be on under Walter Novellino.
If Siena were...
...a car they would be a Mini Cooper. Small, lightweight and a bit past their sell-by date, they both still manage to compete with their larger, more powerful rivals. Their size and age gives both a quirky retro appeal and an abundance of personality. Like a Mini, while their fans may be reduced to a near cult-like status {I witnessed the "cult" first hand in the Piazza del Campo after their salvezza season-ending home game against Juve in '04...talk about a public party}, few can be said to truly dislike the Tuscan minnows.
If Treviso were...
...a bird they'd be a vulture. Unable to capture promotion the regular way, they filled themselves with Serie A glory by picking over the bones of Genoa's rapidly rotting carcass.
If Udinese were...
...a TV presenter they would be David Dickinson. Always on the Bargain Hunt, both constantly unearth some right Bobby Dazzlers, many of them cheap as chips. Excellent at looking after antiques and Nestor Sensini, David would have been a big fan of Udinese's recent tan-orange away strip.
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That's the spirit. :thumb:
